She got a Trip to the Hamptons and I got a Mass

This story isn’t pretty,  It will get ugly. It’s the raw truth of a series of events.  They are still fresh and not going anywhere.  It was a normal morning just like any other. I rushed to get ready and get out the door. I managed to drag the kids out of bed and get them going so I could leave. I had an hour to get to my appointment and I wanted to get it over with.  I tried to be positive and upbeat about it. It’s probably nothing like last time but deep down I felt different.

images (9)     Hurry up and wait. I was a tad anxious but finally it was my turn.  The tech was a very nice lady. Over the next thirty minutes she took several images.  When she was done she had to check with the radiologists to see it he wanted more. She came back and told me that he wanted to look at another area closer. I didn’t think that was a good thing. I saw what she was talking about on the screen. I knew I was screwed. She went back to the radiologists to see if he wanted an ultrasound. She came back and told me that he wanted an ultrasound. I almost choked. I knew I was up the creek without a paddle then. It ain’t good Leanne. It ain’t good.

rainbow_dash_ah_crap_by_physicallypossible-d3jcs50     I waited in a small area wearing a hideous hospital gown and my clothes in my hand.  There was another woman waiting.  She was back for her second mammogram in two weeks. She was screwed too.  The tv was on and the station was playing one of those morning talk shows. I’m not sure which one it was because I was kinda out of it. The woman and I spoke about our crap luck.  This beautiful host on Tv had perfect hair and make up. Her mocha complexion was smooth and flawless, She wore a white dress that was very fitting. She looked perfect. She started talking about one of the guests at the network she got to see. She was happy because her father had enjoyed the guest’s show.

Her co-workers told her that they had arranged a cooking session for her and the Barefoot Contessa. The woman burst into tears and all I wanted was for her to just stop it. I got a tad angry and decided the lady I was sitting with needed a laugh and so did I. “Look at her and her perfect face and body.  She has a great job and heck just look at her, She’s crying because she is about to be whisked away in a limo to the Hampton’s for God’s Sake.  Listen lady I get the excitement and I am sorry you lost your dad but come on. I will trade and go to the Hampton’s any day of the week.  This lady and I are sitting in cheap hospital gowns and we have went through enough hell today with a mammogram machine.  What the hell are you crying for? Shut the hell up before I give you something to cry about.” We laughed so hard that we both cried after my fit.

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it was time for my ultrasound.  It didn’t take long to get what images they needed.  I was happy to get out of there. I had an appointment the next day to go over the results with my NP. All I could do is wait.  I would have gladly taken a trip to the Hampton’s instead of having this stupid mass.

Everything is Wonderful

I’ve become a master of disguise over the course of my life.  I’m one helluva an actress.  I hide everything so well. It’s so much easier to pretend that I’m happy when secretly I’m rattled. There are some things that I will never tell anyone.  Contrary to popular belief I do have a private side. There are some things to me that are so sacred that I can’t share. Damnit, I tell you it is exhausting to keep up the facade that everything is wonderful.

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I find myself in a situation that is hopeless.  Jesus himself can’t fix this.  A person can only take so much before they start fighting back.  I am sick and tired of being made to feel like I am garbage.  I ain’t perfect but I’m not that bad. I understand we all say things when we are upset. I sure don’t deserve half the crap I’ve gotten in the last few days.  I have had enough.  I am pissed and I will not take it anymore. I have wasted so much time on people who don’t deserve my kindness.

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I’m rambling at 2:30 am and I am not sure of what point I am trying to make.  I know that things will never be the same.  I know I am tired. I know I feel like I’ve been stabbed with a machete in the chest.  Why in the hell is it so difficult to cut people out of my life when they only hurt me?  Why should I give up everything and everyone in my life? I am not a piece of property or a possession. Why am I allowing myself to be treated as such? I suppose because I have so much going on that I don’t share.  I’ve got to set myself free. I can’t go on this way.

shhhh     Abnormal,calcified,undetermined,abnormal borders,surgery,biopsy and malignant are words I hate to speak.  I do not like these words and I wish to never hear them or read them again.  Unfortunately I know them all too well.  The unknown is scary when you factor in words like these.  The worst part is waiting.  I can’t deal with this and wish to sit out. If only I could. I was hoping I would feel liberated after this paragraph. No such luck. I guess I will have to start from the beginning before that happens. Stay tuned as I muster up the courage to share. Everything is far from wonderful.  It’s one big lie.

painting abstract the truth will set you free

She Talks to Angels…Sorta

Today I’ve felt like gum on the bottom of a brand new pair of Chuck Taylors.  It’s an infuriating feeling to step in a wad of gum when you are out walking in a new pair of kicks.  At least dog crap washes off. Gum sticks in the groves and makes cleaning it off a chore.  So yeah it’s a chewing gum day with a side of dog crap.  I’m fresh out of rainbows and butterflies right now.  Sorry I’m not going to get the job as the Ambassador of Goodwill.  I’m more like the Ambassador of Gloom and Discontent.  I’m like three miles of bad road. Wanna walk with me? I didn’t think so.

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We all have these kind of days. I haven’t had one this bad in a while. As soon as the cricket chirped on my iPhone I had zero cares about anything but getting some caffeine and a cure for the case of the ass I woke up with.  I don’t think there is a shot for that affliction. I did not do one constructive thing today. I wanted to enter a demolition derby somewhere or pop off about 25 rounds into an inanimate object.  I had no such luck. I drove my classic car to town and looked for hoodrat stuff to do with my friends. I settled for running my mouth at Scram’s Daycare and borrowing her infant son. I love that little angel.

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For an hour or so I forget that I was the Grinch. I was smitten with a blue-eyed angel that had me wrapped around his finger.  I talk to him as if he understands what I say. Sometimes he smiles and other times he looks at me like I am insane. He held my hand and I melted.  I can’t wait until this little guy can talk back. It’s such a beautiful thing when a baby that you barely know shows you affection. I guess that’s why I think TJ is an angel. So I do talk to angels. They are little,kind and full of love.

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TJ aka Professor Smushi

Later in the evening when I started to feel yuck again an angel Facetimed me.  Let me tell you about this angel that I talk to.  She is small but fierce. She is a two-year old blue-eyed beauty with hair of ginger.  She is everything. It’s amazing to watch a child grow from a baby. I hang on every word she says. She is unpredictable yet sweet. This little girl has a heart of gold and a temper to boot. She is my niece and I waited so many years for her. She lights up the lives of everyone she meets. I want her to be little forever but I know she must grow up. So maybe now you get my struggle.

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Harper Norma-Jean

My boys aren’t babies anymore. It kills me. I blinked and Carter was twelve and Baby Jude seven.  I find it incredibly hard to deal with.  I have burst into tears just thinking about the last twelve years as a mother.  I want so desperately to go back and fix my mistakes. I would give anything to go back and do things differently with my sons. It hurts to realize that you weren’t the best mother to your children. I can never undo my wrongs. I can only hope to improve.  Being a dysfunctional person makes motherhood tough. I never knew regret until I made mistakes with my children. I cherish the memories of talking to my own angels. I remember hanging on everything they said or did. I still live for their antics and displays of affection.

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Christian Carter and I

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Steven Jude and I

I have cried and let go today. It took talking to angels to make me realize I just needed my own angels. I watch them sleep and I smile. They will always be my babies.

High on that Mountain

The memory is a tricky beast.  There are days I can’t remember where I put my keys or if I took my medicine. My memory fails me often. I like having my head injury excuse so people don’t think I’m an air head,  If I’m tired or stressed out then my mind takes a vacation. The crazy thing is I can bring something out of left field that happened twenty years ago with the right trigger.

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I’ve done a great job over the years burying the things that ripped me to pieces. My early adulthood was plagued with one tragedy after the next.   I know I’m not the only person to know loss and heartache. I felt that I had a little bit more than my fair share of it though.  My early twenties sucked.  I don’t know how in the hell I survived them but I managed to come out of them jaded as all get out.  I spent so much time running from the pain that I made it worse. I just wanted to forget and pretend none of those horrible things happened. I did for a while but life has a way of taking you back to the places you never want to see again.

I sat in a funeral home Friday to pay my respects to family members that had experienced a loss.  I sat in front of a life long friend from school.  She knew the man who had passed away and I had only met him once. I made sure my friend was doing ok through the service. I was ok until a particular song played. I was instantly 21 and I was at the funeral of my boyfriend Chance. It was such an odd feeling seeing everything change in my mind’s eye.  I felt the pain again. It was crushing. I cried as I felt the whole thing happen again. One song triggered the pain I so desperately buried.  Poor Windy was sitting behind me and she was sent back to the funeral of her brother.

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I avoid that particular song at all costs but I couldn’t runaway this time. I endured three minutes of pure hell that I could not block out.  I guess it was time for me to confront that demon. I was ok once the song was over. I don’t know why sometimes we are forced to relive the things that hurt the most.  Maybe its meant to show us that we were not broken by it?  I have no idea but it seems to happen during other trials in my life.  I guess its life’s way of saying “Do you remember when this happened? It did not break you so why do you think this will be any different?”

I hope that one day I will find peace with all the things I’ve buried so deep.  There are good memories that I should not bury just because of the tragic event associated with the people I lost. I guess I am thankful for the times I am forced to deal with the past. I should start digging before the good memories I need to treasure instead of block are lost.

What Holds You

I feel myself falling with the wind pushing against me trying to break my fall.  I hit the water so hard it knocks the breath from me. I sink faster and faster into the dark water. I am lost in the darkness until I feel myself start to float to the top at a speed faster than from which I fell. I rise from the surface and fill my lungs with the night air.  The things that have a hold on me always bring me back.

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I’d like to think I have nothing but free will. I do as I wish and I have nothing to stop me.  This isn’t the  way things are. There are things and people in this world that have a death grip on me.  Some I’d love to shake but others I need. If I don’t have something to keep me grounded then I would surely drown.  There are people who come into your life and they turn it upside down and leave one helluva mess. They shake things up and rattle your cage.  No matter what happens you can’t ever be free of them. You would fall into the darkness.

It’s always complicated and man it can rip you apart at times.  There are days when in a moment of clarity you see so far into the future and you know why you won’t let go.  If you can work out the kinks then it’s always worth it.  This life is a one shot deal. I will die trying to grasp my happiness. Let the things that hold you be your happiness. Don’t let go of the dream. If what holds you brings you joy then let it be. Cut the chains of the things that hold you down under the water.  Hold on to the good things that hold on to you.

Welcome Back to the Land of the Living

I forgot how to live. Yeah I said it. I forgot what a life was like out in the real world instead of being held up alone in a rural farmhouse. It’s outlandish for me to even recall that I was a shut in for two years. I was a recluse. I never saw that coming.  I was miserable and lived everyday in pain from a neck and back condition. I didn’t leave the house much. It hurt too bad to go to the store or enjoy the outdoors. I pretty much gave up and accepted this as my life.

After all the changes in June I decided I was sick of my existence. I made some big changes and saw an improvement in my condition. I was much happier and started to venture out. I dated somebody for a short time. I had not dated in 15 months.  I was happy for a bit and of course it didn’t work out. I was upset but I went on with my life.   IMG_4979

I ran into an acquaintance one day and we started  talking. I really enjoyed talking to him.  We talked on the phone for hours about everything and nothing at all. I enjoyed hanging out with him. We always had fun. It felt natural being around him. After a while my feelings started to change and I saw him in a different light. I found myself smiling when he sent a text or he called. Three weeks is all it for me to consider dating him. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking so I made it known I was interested. Lucky for me he was thinking the same thing.IMG_5914

One summer night we went for a ride out in the country. We laughed and had a great time like we always did. We were friends still and nothing had changed. Towards the end out our road trip he reached over and held my hand. I had butterflies and my face got hot and so were my hands. I didn’t want the night to end but it was time for me to go home. I was nervous. As I turned to leave he reached over and kissed me. I felt like I was on fire from the inside.I felt weak. I smiled the entire time I drove home. I felt alive.

I was happy for a good while. Things were good. One day everything changed. I still don’t know why his feelings changed. I knew it deep down that he didn’t share my feelings and he was finished. I had fallen in love and I was on one helluva emotional roller coaster. For the last month I was left to guess and I was always upset because he didn’t want to see me. I finally confronted him and he told me he just wanted to be friends. I was crushed,  My heart was broken. Being his friend was like some consolation prize to make me feel better. It pissed me off. I cried over it for a few days. I honestly don’t know if I can be friends with him. It’s too fresh. broken-heart-quotes-if-it-doesnt-break-your-heart-it-isnt-love

The Land of the Living is full of heartbreak. I didn’t miss that part at all. I miss what we had. It was different and I thought it was real. Hey I’ve been wrong before. Thank goodness I made some awesome friends that have helped me through my broken heart. I’m thankful for them and I enjoy all the fun things we do together. I’m so happy i don’t stay home alone all the time anymore. I like this living business. I’m always looking for a new adventure. I think that maybe just maybe I know what lies ahead,

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A Murder of Crows

The end of my 37th year was horrible. It all started with a teary walk on the beach on a Friday morning.  My beloved Big Mama was preparing to leave this world and I didn’t know if I would make it home in time to say good-bye. It was a stormy morning on the beach. It had rained all night and the coastline was angry. I was pretty ticked off myself. It wasn’t fair and I wasn’t ready to lose her. I begged and pleaded for a sign that things would work out.  I think I infuriated the powers that be because The wind almost knocked me down and the tide crashed the beach so hard I thought surely the ground would break.

I got my footing and turned to walk away. That’s when I felt strange. There was a rush above me and something touched the top of my head. I had no clue what had just happened until I heard a caw and felt a rush move from the top of my head to my toes. It was a crow. I was bewildered. A lone crow came out of nowhere and touched my head. It was both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I was energized. I felt blessed to be chosen by the crow because I had remembered them to be a good spirit animal.10440913_10200997248413525_8958020611868896771_n

The crow is a spirit animal associated with life mysteries and magic.  The power of this bird as totem and spirit guide is provide insight and means of supporting intentions. Sign of luck, it is also associated with the archetype of the trickster; be aware of deceiving appearances.  If the crow has chosen you as your spirit or totem animal, it supports you in developing the power of sight, transformation, and connection with life’s magic. 

But every blessing has its curse as I would soon figure out.   

I returned home that evening to my ordinary life. I had missed my dogs so much and was thrilled to be reunited with them. The boys left for the weekend so I got some sleep that night with Jiminy and Izzy.  Jiminy got sick that night and he wanted his mama. The next day he stayed in my arms all day but I didn’t mind.  I kept noticing crows every time I went outside. I didn’t mind them so much because I thought I’d been blessed. I let Jiminy outside to use the restroom and he disappeared. I finally found him playing and ignoring my calling his name. I took him back inside so he could rest.

I went to see my Big Mama in the hospital. It was difficult to see her in a constant state of slumber. I talked to her and held her hand. She moaned and tried to open her eyes. She knew we were there.  I stayed for a while then decided to clear my head. I went to the store and drove around for hours listening to music. I knew I needed to get home and check on Jiminy. When I got home I noticed that a picture had fallen off the wall and glass was everywhere. I was thankful my dogs didn’t get cut.  At this point it hadn’t dawned on me that a picture falling off the wall and breaking was supposed to be a death omen.

Monday morning I awoke like any other day.  I wasn’t ready to get up but I knew Izzy and Jiminy needed to go outside.  I let my babies outside and watched them. Jiminy gave me a look and took off.  Izzy came back but Jiminy my little trickster had not. I called his name and waited. Nothing. I put my boots on and decided to walk to the neighbor’s house.  Instead of going through the yard I chose the road. I got almost to their mailbox and the confusion set in. Why was my baby Jiminy asleep in the yard up by their mailbox? It didn’t take long for me to realize that my best friend wasn’t sleeping. He was gone. I fell to my knees and felt a knife pierce my heart. I screamed all the way home when I went to get his blanket. I was home alone so I had to take care of him.  The rest of the day was a blur. My son took care of me. He was my rock.1908340_10200999558511276_4902682116060628165_n

The next day I took my boys to say their goodbyes to Big Mama. I had explained to them that she was sleeping but she knew we were there so they could tell her whatever they wanted to say.  We walked in the room and I was shocked. She was awake and alert. She could talk but it wasn’t clear what she was saying most of the time. She knew my boys and you could see just how happy it made her that they were there. I was so relieved that my boys got to say their goodbyes and have her hug and kiss them.  This was her good day before it was time for her to leave this world. I wasn’t strong enough to stay with her and watch her pass away. I was thankful for what I’d gotten with her that Tuesday and I could not have the image of her leaving me forever seared in my mind. Saturday morning a little after 2am I sat straight up in my bed from a dead sleep and gasped for air. I knew she was gone. Seconds later my youngest son woke up crying.cropped-cropped-4940ea2ffbc67e54f0823fc60cde35181.jpg

Five months after my hell week I’m still plagued with crows. They are everywhere when I need them or don’t need them. Sometimes the bring me good tidings and other times it’s a curse.  One day I was driving down a divided four lane highway and in the distance I saw nothing but black. The entire highway was covered by the biggest murder of crows I’d ever seen in my life. My chest tightened up at the sight of such an oddity. I was doing 65 mph and didn’t have much time to slow down. This is where things got scary. The crows in my lane went either way and let me pass. As soon as my white car passed through the sea of black they went back to their former place.  I was speechless. That was the murder of crows to end all murders of crows.

When I see my crows I open my eyes to what is going on around me.  They brought change and happiness. Sometimes they bring sadness. I welcome the change and personal growth that come with them. My eyes are wide open now to see what the crow has to show me. I never thought it take a murder of crows to bring me back to life but it did.images (46)