The end of my 37th year was horrible. It all started with a teary walk on the beach on a Friday morning. My beloved Big Mama was preparing to leave this world and I didn’t know if I would make it home in time to say good-bye. It was a stormy morning on the beach. It had rained all night and the coastline was angry. I was pretty ticked off myself. It wasn’t fair and I wasn’t ready to lose her. I begged and pleaded for a sign that things would work out. I think I infuriated the powers that be because The wind almost knocked me down and the tide crashed the beach so hard I thought surely the ground would break.
I got my footing and turned to walk away. That’s when I felt strange. There was a rush above me and something touched the top of my head. I had no clue what had just happened until I heard a caw and felt a rush move from the top of my head to my toes. It was a crow. I was bewildered. A lone crow came out of nowhere and touched my head. It was both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. I was energized. I felt blessed to be chosen by the crow because I had remembered them to be a good spirit animal.
The crow is a spirit animal associated with life mysteries and magic. The power of this bird as totem and spirit guide is provide insight and means of supporting intentions. Sign of luck, it is also associated with the archetype of the trickster; be aware of deceiving appearances. If the crow has chosen you as your spirit or totem animal, it supports you in developing the power of sight, transformation, and connection with life’s magic.
But every blessing has its curse as I would soon figure out.
I returned home that evening to my ordinary life. I had missed my dogs so much and was thrilled to be reunited with them. The boys left for the weekend so I got some sleep that night with Jiminy and Izzy. Jiminy got sick that night and he wanted his mama. The next day he stayed in my arms all day but I didn’t mind. I kept noticing crows every time I went outside. I didn’t mind them so much because I thought I’d been blessed. I let Jiminy outside to use the restroom and he disappeared. I finally found him playing and ignoring my calling his name. I took him back inside so he could rest.
I went to see my Big Mama in the hospital. It was difficult to see her in a constant state of slumber. I talked to her and held her hand. She moaned and tried to open her eyes. She knew we were there. I stayed for a while then decided to clear my head. I went to the store and drove around for hours listening to music. I knew I needed to get home and check on Jiminy. When I got home I noticed that a picture had fallen off the wall and glass was everywhere. I was thankful my dogs didn’t get cut. At this point it hadn’t dawned on me that a picture falling off the wall and breaking was supposed to be a death omen.
Monday morning I awoke like any other day. I wasn’t ready to get up but I knew Izzy and Jiminy needed to go outside. I let my babies outside and watched them. Jiminy gave me a look and took off. Izzy came back but Jiminy my little trickster had not. I called his name and waited. Nothing. I put my boots on and decided to walk to the neighbor’s house. Instead of going through the yard I chose the road. I got almost to their mailbox and the confusion set in. Why was my baby Jiminy asleep in the yard up by their mailbox? It didn’t take long for me to realize that my best friend wasn’t sleeping. He was gone. I fell to my knees and felt a knife pierce my heart. I screamed all the way home when I went to get his blanket. I was home alone so I had to take care of him. The rest of the day was a blur. My son took care of me. He was my rock.
The next day I took my boys to say their goodbyes to Big Mama. I had explained to them that she was sleeping but she knew we were there so they could tell her whatever they wanted to say. We walked in the room and I was shocked. She was awake and alert. She could talk but it wasn’t clear what she was saying most of the time. She knew my boys and you could see just how happy it made her that they were there. I was so relieved that my boys got to say their goodbyes and have her hug and kiss them. This was her good day before it was time for her to leave this world. I wasn’t strong enough to stay with her and watch her pass away. I was thankful for what I’d gotten with her that Tuesday and I could not have the image of her leaving me forever seared in my mind. Saturday morning a little after 2am I sat straight up in my bed from a dead sleep and gasped for air. I knew she was gone. Seconds later my youngest son woke up crying.
Five months after my hell week I’m still plagued with crows. They are everywhere when I need them or don’t need them. Sometimes the bring me good tidings and other times it’s a curse. One day I was driving down a divided four lane highway and in the distance I saw nothing but black. The entire highway was covered by the biggest murder of crows I’d ever seen in my life. My chest tightened up at the sight of such an oddity. I was doing 65 mph and didn’t have much time to slow down. This is where things got scary. The crows in my lane went either way and let me pass. As soon as my white car passed through the sea of black they went back to their former place. I was speechless. That was the murder of crows to end all murders of crows.
When I see my crows I open my eyes to what is going on around me. They brought change and happiness. Sometimes they bring sadness. I welcome the change and personal growth that come with them. My eyes are wide open now to see what the crow has to show me. I never thought it take a murder of crows to bring me back to life but it did.