Today I’ve felt like gum on the bottom of a brand new pair of Chuck Taylors. It’s an infuriating feeling to step in a wad of gum when you are out walking in a new pair of kicks. At least dog crap washes off. Gum sticks in the groves and makes cleaning it off a chore. So yeah it’s a chewing gum day with a side of dog crap. I’m fresh out of rainbows and butterflies right now. Sorry I’m not going to get the job as the Ambassador of Goodwill. I’m more like the Ambassador of Gloom and Discontent. I’m like three miles of bad road. Wanna walk with me? I didn’t think so.
We all have these kind of days. I haven’t had one this bad in a while. As soon as the cricket chirped on my iPhone I had zero cares about anything but getting some caffeine and a cure for the case of the ass I woke up with. I don’t think there is a shot for that affliction. I did not do one constructive thing today. I wanted to enter a demolition derby somewhere or pop off about 25 rounds into an inanimate object. I had no such luck. I drove my classic car to town and looked for hoodrat stuff to do with my friends. I settled for running my mouth at Scram’s Daycare and borrowing her infant son. I love that little angel.
For an hour or so I forget that I was the Grinch. I was smitten with a blue-eyed angel that had me wrapped around his finger. I talk to him as if he understands what I say. Sometimes he smiles and other times he looks at me like I am insane. He held my hand and I melted. I can’t wait until this little guy can talk back. It’s such a beautiful thing when a baby that you barely know shows you affection. I guess that’s why I think TJ is an angel. So I do talk to angels. They are little,kind and full of love.
Later in the evening when I started to feel yuck again an angel Facetimed me. Let me tell you about this angel that I talk to. She is small but fierce. She is a two-year old blue-eyed beauty with hair of ginger. She is everything. It’s amazing to watch a child grow from a baby. I hang on every word she says. She is unpredictable yet sweet. This little girl has a heart of gold and a temper to boot. She is my niece and I waited so many years for her. She lights up the lives of everyone she meets. I want her to be little forever but I know she must grow up. So maybe now you get my struggle.
My boys aren’t babies anymore. It kills me. I blinked and Carter was twelve and Baby Jude seven. I find it incredibly hard to deal with. I have burst into tears just thinking about the last twelve years as a mother. I want so desperately to go back and fix my mistakes. I would give anything to go back and do things differently with my sons. It hurts to realize that you weren’t the best mother to your children. I can never undo my wrongs. I can only hope to improve. Being a dysfunctional person makes motherhood tough. I never knew regret until I made mistakes with my children. I cherish the memories of talking to my own angels. I remember hanging on everything they said or did. I still live for their antics and displays of affection.
I have cried and let go today. It took talking to angels to make me realize I just needed my own angels. I watch them sleep and I smile. They will always be my babies.