I’ve become a master of disguise over the course of my life. I’m one helluva an actress. I hide everything so well. It’s so much easier to pretend that I’m happy when secretly I’m rattled. There are some things that I will never tell anyone. Contrary to popular belief I do have a private side. There are some things to me that are so sacred that I can’t share. Damnit, I tell you it is exhausting to keep up the facade that everything is wonderful.
I find myself in a situation that is hopeless. Jesus himself can’t fix this. A person can only take so much before they start fighting back. I am sick and tired of being made to feel like I am garbage. I ain’t perfect but I’m not that bad. I understand we all say things when we are upset. I sure don’t deserve half the crap I’ve gotten in the last few days. I have had enough. I am pissed and I will not take it anymore. I have wasted so much time on people who don’t deserve my kindness.
I’m rambling at 2:30 am and I am not sure of what point I am trying to make. I know that things will never be the same. I know I am tired. I know I feel like I’ve been stabbed with a machete in the chest. Why in the hell is it so difficult to cut people out of my life when they only hurt me? Why should I give up everything and everyone in my life? I am not a piece of property or a possession. Why am I allowing myself to be treated as such? I suppose because I have so much going on that I don’t share. I’ve got to set myself free. I can’t go on this way.
Abnormal,calcified,undetermined,abnormal borders,surgery,biopsy and malignant are words I hate to speak. I do not like these words and I wish to never hear them or read them again. Unfortunately I know them all too well. The unknown is scary when you factor in words like these. The worst part is waiting. I can’t deal with this and wish to sit out. If only I could. I was hoping I would feel liberated after this paragraph. No such luck. I guess I will have to start from the beginning before that happens. Stay tuned as I muster up the courage to share. Everything is far from wonderful. It’s one big lie.