Today is day 365 of 2014. It’s 4am CST and I’m taping the keys on my laptop like somebody cares to read my ramblings. Mornings like this make me realize I am crazy as a Bessie Bug. I have to write even though it’s not inspiring. You see I am tormented. I wrote something beautiful for someone. I put feeling into it and wanted to recipient to feel as I did when the words flowed from my mind. This was not the result. Silence speaks volumes and this time she is screaming LAME! There is nothing worse than silence from the object of your focus. The last time I wrote something from my heart as a tribute for someone they laughed at me. This person picked me apart and made fun of the entire piece of work. I was mortified.
I don’t know how to take these rejections other than my work blows and I’m not a talented writer. Here I am typing anyway. I started this blog to cleanse my mind and soul. You have no idea what lies beneath. Writing has helped level me out. I still get antsy from time to time and go off half cocked but it’s not as often. I wrote a piece for a friends blog in October. I was so very honored that she asked me. She told me she liked my work and told me I was gifted. She’s such a sweetheart. I think she may have exaggerated a bit. Truth is I don’t think I have what it takes. I’m not writing anything that speaks to anyone. It’s just crap basically to everyone but me. I wanted to be a talented writer. I wanted to captivate people and entice them with my words. I have failed. I am not a writer. I am a rambler. I prattle.
I’m back to my old ways. I stay home every weekend. I miss my friends. I don’t leave the house much. No more adventures. Truth is I want so desperately to make that story a reality. I need that to snap me out of this funk. Unfortunately the silence has spoken. I could go to the Stagger Moon Band Show and hang out with my favorite people. I could also stay home and watch the entire 1966 Batman series. I could watch it day and night and never get bored. I have the dogs and the comfy bed. It seems I have it all but in reality I am alone. It would have rocked to have day fourteen thousand thirty-nine go out with a bag and a road trip. 2014 may just creep on out with Catwoman. Stay tuned to the same bat channel to find out if I went big or stayed home.
The chill in the air can’t dull the excitement I feel inside. My mind is like the Indy 500. It is loud and crazy in there. I have my foot on the gas pedal and this muscle car is flying. I try to tune out all the noise so I can hear the rumble of the Hemi under the hood of this Challenger. It’s just me and the car. There isn’t anyone for miles. I’m on a mission this New Years Eve. I decided to take a road trip and lay it on the line. Why on earth would I do something this stupid? Cause YOLO. I can’t stop. I’m on a crazy YOLO train.
I’ve been in the car for nearly five hours. My destination is close and I am getting nervous. Shortly I will figure out if I have made a huge mistake or not. I sure hope this isn’t a mistake. When I want to do something then there is no stopping me. Come hell or high water I am doing it. Life is all about taking chances and gambling. This may turn out horrible but at least I had the guts to make it happen. It’s exciting thinking about what may happen. It’s finally time to park the car and see if I’m leaving here a fool or not.
It feels like an eternity has passed as I gaze up at the stars on this chilly night. It’s the last night of the year and I’m nowhere near my home. The sky is lovely as I take it all in. The cold night air is refreshing. The fog rolls off the water and for a moment I’m almost home. Time passes even faster now. Deep down I realize that he’s not coming. I drove six hours across three states to look at the stars in the sky. The same stars in my sky at home. I tried not to get upset but I went cold. I could feel the tears but I quickly choked them back. I got back in the car so I could start home. I couldn’t hold the tears back anymore. The clock on the dash read 11:36. It was going to be a long ride home so coffee was a must.
I didn’t get far down the gravel and dirt road before a tire blew out. This is just what I need. I’m in the middle of nowhere and it’s dark. I’m a tad freaked out because I’m in a strange place so I decide to try to change the tire fast. I don’t have any cell service of course. I’m doing ok with the tire. I’m starting to lose feeling in my hands and my back is locked up. I’ve got the bad tire off and the new tire is next, I had to sit down after i got the new tire on. The pain is pretty intense but I know a short rest will make finishing this up easier. I got up after a few minutes and tightened the lug nuts and took the jack off the car. I was cleaning up my tools when I heard a voice in the dark. I had my lug wrench in my hand so I gripped it tightly. I got scared.
I could not see the person nor could he see me. I could hear him talking to himself like he was rehearsing for a play or a murder. I wasn’t sure because it was almost midnight and I was about that shank this guy with a lug wrench. He got louder and it was comical. He was trying to figure out what to say to some lady. I giggled under my breath. He went into this big speech about how he had a flat down the road and she had to still be there, I heard him call her name, That sounded familiar. I heard him say her name again. My name. It was his voice. I called out to him and he let out a startled squeal. I called his name again, I heard a slight commotion followed by fireworks, The sky lit up like the fourth of July in the dead of winter. I saw him coming up the road. I smiled and skipped down the road to him. I grabbed him and hugged him so tight I did not want to let go. The fireworks were breathtaking. I smiled at him in that perfect moment. He told me Happy New Years as I touched his face. That gaze seemed to last hours as if time stood still. He took me in his arms and kissed me and I melted. The fireworks continued and we stood hand in hand and watched them with eyes wide open. The night was full of magic. We slept under the stars on the hood of a car. Sometimes the best things happen when you take a chance.
Do you ever want to break something or fire twenty-five rounds or so into an inanimate object? Some days I want to. Hell sometimes I want to burn stuff but then I realize arson is a felony and I’m not built for jail time. Shouting a stream of obscenities a mile long seems to help my disposition. If I had a fast car then I’d race some unsuspecting schmuck…Wait a minute I race all the time in my foxbody 2.slowwwwwwwwwwwww. She’s a sleeper and her operator is a beast. I like to listen to loud music with plenty of expletives. If I really need relief I will throw back a cold beverage. Right now I want to scream and flip out on somebody. Yes, I have gone mad for real.
The older I get the less tolerance I have for bs in general. I really am a nice person but as you can see I have a nasty temper. Sometimes I let it get out of hand like it did in the first paragraph. I was upset because my feelings got hurt. I don’t know why I worry with the pettiness of life and such. People will use you up if you let them. Lucky for me I’m observant. I notice stuff most people don’t. The details are what gives people away. I spot stuff sometimes and think man am I just that good or do I have a stalker gene? I will pass on the stalker business.
I’ve decided that I’m enforcing a one strike rule. If you blow it then you are gone. No more I forgive you and please screw me over again. If you let people push your buttons then they will walk all over you. I’m sick of it. From now on I will tell anybody that pulls stunts to bite it sideways. I’m tired of the games and lies. Just be honest. It’s so much easier that way. Don’t ignore people because you can’t tell them the truth. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Imagine a world that exists only in your head. The past that once was your life. I am here in 2014 with my children and the chi’s. I go through the motions of a life. I play the game and do as I should. I am a master of disguise. When I’m not inspired or I feel alone I drift away. I live in my head. Everything is so much better there. I’m stuck in between time. No matter how hard I try to go forward I am pulled back. In my mind it’s 1995 and I like it there. Welcome to my life. A woman child stuck with the notion that she is forever nineteen. Why do I feel so at home in the mid to late 90’s?
What the actual hell is wrong with me?
I could ask myself that question everyday and never have a clue of the answer. Why do I romanticize about this time period of my life? I feel like the reasons are things that I have not let go. People live and people die. Some are happy and others are sad. There is no future in the past, yet I vacation there as if it were a four star resort in the Hampton’s. I don’t think normal people do this. It’s a good thing that I am not normal. I’ve been told over and over that you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. I don’t know how. I have tried and thought I had peace with some things until they crept up like the first cold snap of the year. You aren’t ready for it and scramble to adjust. My hurt locker is full of things. Ugly things that should never been seen or done. I am haunted by things that happened half my lifetime ago. Why can’t I wall this off and forget the sting?
I think that there are somethings that change the course of your life and how you cope. One event can derail everything and leave you lost. I feel like a vagrant at times. I can’t stay still and don’t really have a home. The one in my mind is pretty swanky. I like it there. I can relive the good and try to splice over the bad. When you lose someone who you are in love with then things crumble. It’s hell trying to adjust. The pain is unbearable when you lose a lover. I can’t describe the pain but those who have lost as I have known it well. It’s a beast that lies to you and makes you think maybe they didn’t love you at all. A wandering mind is a dangerous thing. I have not had a normal relationship since I was 21. I am dysfunction and chaos. I sabotage good things out of fear. This is how it is and why I am stuck.
I wish I could undo all my wrongs. I wish the harsh words never left my mouth. You can’t ever take back the pain you inflict on others. I must accept my wrongs and find peace. I’m tired of living in the past and trying to calculate the moment everything went south. I can not do this. It is impossible and I am beating the dead horse. I’m ready to return to the present. One morning soon I hope to awake from a slumber and feel I’ve made amends. I want that peace. Don’t we all?
Published first on The Original Bunker Punks site at http://originalbunkerpunks.wix.com/originalbunkerpunks#!The-Past-That-Once-Was-Your-Life-by-Bonnie-Glassco/c1kod/5182CE5E-17CC-4269-AF04-6A0707282576
I can count on the presence of my nemesis and guide during the times I feel the worst. I can tell you it was exhilarating to have a crow come out of nowhere and brush the top of your head with his wing. I never imagined a crow would touch me much less be on the beach. Out of nowhere he came for me. He heard my cries and felt the sadness in my heart. He flew as fast as his tattered wings would carry him. He came over the ocean at a speed that reflected the urgency in my situation. I felt hopeless and broken. I turned to walk away and felt this great strength zoom overhead and felt the touch of his wing. It felt like I was touch by a hand in the sky then I saw the beautiful creature turn his head and meet my gaze.
This was my crow heading back over the ocean on a stormy Friday morning.
My life changed that final Friday in May. I was chosen by the crow and now they are everywhere and the bring warning when they come in a murder. The lone crow brings me hope and signs. The lone crow will appear when I need to know everything will be alright or to bring me a message. I know this all sounds a little hokey. I am very sceptical about things and not much into superstition. I would have called bullshit before May 30th, 2014. Now I watch for the signs and messages they bring. I knew I felt like a different person after my encounter. I researched the crow and what it meant to be touched by one. I was blown away by what I found. I knew I must take notice.
The crow is a spirit animal associated with life mysteries and magic. The power of this bird as a totem and spirit guide is to provide insight and means of supporting intentions. Sign of luck, it is also associated with the archetype of the trickster; be aware of deceiving appearances. If the crow has chosen you as your spirit or totem animal, it supports you in developing the power of sight, transformation, and connection with life’s magic. Crow is an omen of change. Crows live in the void and have no sense of time, therefore being able to see past, present and future simultaneously. They unite both the light and the dark, both the inner and the outer. Crow is the totem of the Great Spirit and must be held with utmost respect. They are representations of creation and spiritual strength.
The crow visited me a few days ago. I heard him caw to me. I turned around to see him perched high atop a wire. He wanted me to open my eyes and see what he had in store for me. I stood there and admired his beauty. He was black as night with beautiful blue accents. His wings were tattered from all the trips he makes from one plane to the next. He was flawed in a beautiful way. He had fought and braved the elements and it showed. He stretched his wings for me so I could see his worn feathers and the scars he carried, We stared for sometime before one final caw and he was gone. Later that day I saw something I had missed. The crow pushed me in the right direction. I’m not sure what will happen at this point. I do know one thing. I have been drawn to someone and even if the happiness was only meant to last a few days then so be it. I am happy I took the chance to get to know someone and appreciate them. I could see what lies beneath and it was honest and pure. My eyes are wide open now. When I go to sleep I can feel the tickle of the tattered wing on my finger tips. I hope the crow returns soon, I need another sign,
I imagine I am six years old and I have my nose shoved in the Sears Wish book. Ours was always worn with folded pages and circled toys. That damn catalog was the Holy Grail of Christmas. I would look at it for hours and dream of all the fun I would have with everything in the book. The wish book was magical and my imagination soared every time I thought about it. The highlight of the fall season was prying that joker out of the mailbox. I would have cut someone over my damn wish book. It’s a damn shame the wish book is a thing of the past. I could sure use a little bit of its magic right now.
Once I got older the magic of the Holidays seemed to die. I grew up too fast and I did it in my head. Life is so much better inside your own mind. Growing up means all those you love are growing old. In 2006 I lost my Papa and in June of this year I lost my Granny. I knew last Christmas would be our final Christmas together. I’m still bitter and I suppose I always will be. We lived next door to them for most of my life. Even before we were neighbors we always had a close relationship. Both of my parents worked so we spent lots of time with them. When I dream of home it is always their house. My parents divorced when I was in my twenties. My grandparents house has always been a constant in my life. Same address and phone number. This year the only difference is they are both gone.
I have to fake it for my boys. I will do the whole song and dance and throw on the biggest smile you ever saw. It will be a lie. I want them happy and don’t get me wrong their happiness is what I live for. It’s just not that simple as wanting to be happy for someone who was depressed since childhood. That’s just the way I was made, a little sad at times and reclusive. Sometimes I’m more fun than a barrel of monkeys. This time of year I’m about as fun as a root canal. I stay away from people because I don’t want to be a pill. I know I’m not the only one that has a hard time at the holidays. I really envy the people who have so much joy in their heart they could puke. I see them in the stores. I see their smiles. I see the obscene amount of money they spend on their people. I wonder if they see me or my brothers and sisters in suffering?
This year has slipped away from me. I guess the older you are the faster time passes. I hope this Christmas people will be kind to one another and help those in need. We have forgotten kindness and forgiveness. Goodwill towards man is a thing of the past. It sounds silly but I sure wish Santa was real. Maybe he could bring me a new outlook on life. I wish peace for those that are suffering and happiness for the sad. I’m thankful for the family I do have. I know there are so many people alone during the Holidays and I wish them company.
Friday was a huge waste of time. My sister took off work for my surgery. We met at the hospital and waited for a while and did more paperwork. I get called back to do the first part and I am met by a radiologist that informed me that I wasn’t having the guide placement nor the removal. I looked at him like he was crazy. I asked him why. His explanation was not a good one. Basically what it boiled down to was a pissing contest between radiology departments at two different hospitals. The information he rattled off was not factual. Somebody really screwed up. I was argumentative. When he told me how I should feel about his decision I flipped out. It got ugly.
Now I am back at square one. I will have to regroup and figure out a new plan. I won’t be back there any time soon. I usually feel bad about going off on people. I gave zero cares about it that day. The more those two talked in their condescending tones the angrier I got. I will never remember their names or faces. I’m sure they won’t soon forget me after my meltdown. Sometimes you have to make noise and stand up for yourself. I don’t go away quietly. I raise hell and I will break things if I feel the need to. Thank you all for your concern.
To Be Continued……
The day has come. Thursday was a difficult day. I was emotional all day. I spent the afternoon with my boys and dogs, My phone never rang. I got some texts and pm’s. It went exactly as I expected. I am so used to doing everything on my own so it’s nothing new even though it hurts. I don’t have a whole lot to say. That is scary, I’m emotionally drained and I’m ready to get this over with.
A friend of mine turned me on to this song Wednesday night and it has hit me in the gut. I can relate minus the crystal meth part.
Tuesday sucked more than Monday did. Nobody gives a rats behind where I’m concerned. It’s been a real bitch to find out once again who my real friends are. Let me tell you just how petty people can be. I’ve been involved with a few people who dropped me the first chance they could. Some people are cowards. Whatever. If you can’t handle an unknown abnormality then you sure as hell can’t handle my depth and intensity. I’m a helluva lot smarter than you can wrap your head around. Sorry but my breasts aren’t important to me. I hate it for you.
What really makes me want to punch somebody in the face is a fraud. These are the people who come into your life and act like they give a rats ass about you. The say all the right things and make you feel less of a freak about your current situation. They provide a welcome distraction for a very short time. It doesn’t take long to figure out that something better came along. Easy come easy go. I can’t really blame anyone for not getting involved with me in any capacity at this moment in time. My current situation is a crock. The thing some men don’t realize is I’ve heard every line and every excuse. I know a player when I see one. I was once a coach. You can’t play the master unless she allows it. I’m pretty much zero tolerance for games at the moment. I’ve turned into that crabby old bitch on the greeting cards.
I’m thinking that it’s time to officially retire from dating. I’ve proved this year that I am horrible at it and I’m not relationship material. I was happier during the fifteen month vacation I took from dating. I must have been stuck on stupid this summer when I got involved with one bad choice after the next. Yeah I’m over it. I’ve got two days before it’s show time. I very seriously doubt that a certain person will be showing up at my door with flowers. It ain’t happening. I’d settle for a lottery win. The kids would have a great Christmas and so would my real friends. It’s tiring as hell going out of your way all the time to bring others joy when you always run on empty.
Tuesday’s gone and Wednesday looks like a real pain. Stay turned. I may flip out on someone.
Monday November 24th, 2014 I got up sometime after 10am. I’m worn out and sleep constantly. I returned the call the surgeon. I though I was calling to set up a needle biopsy, No such luck. What I’m getting sounds as bad a jamming a ten penny nail in your eyeball. I wanted to vomit after this conversation. I get a wire stuck into leftie and guided into that terrorist that has set up shop in my breast. I’ve had a wire stuck in my foot and hand before. I want to faint thinking about having a wire jammed into my tata like I’m a shish kabob. No Gawd Honey. They will bend the wire and tape it down and send me down the hall for part two.
This is an example image of the wire guided via mammogram
I will go to same day surgery and put on a hideous gown and get an IV. I will them go to surgery and have the terrorist removed. The radiologists will confirm that the whole abnormality is out. If not the surgeon will cut some more out. Once it’s all out a clip will be put into the terrorist free area so that the mammogram will pick it up when I have follow ups every six months. He will close me up and send the terrorist to pathology and I wait 3-5 days for the results.
Example of the surgical clip placed post removal
After everything was explained to me about the procedure I was booked for surgery on Friday December 5th, I got off the phone and immediately lost my shit. I was prepared for a needle biopsy not this insanity. Lucky for me the terrorist is way in there and he is going to be a bitch to get out. I cried for five hours. I had to dry it up at 3pm because the kids were coming home. I went through the motions for the next seven days and acted like everything was fine. Nobody said a word to me about it. On day eight I went to the hospital and registered for my surgery. I was fine during the whole thing. No problem. I ran into an old teacher of mine that I always liked. She saw the tears in my eyes as I came out. She reached out and took my hand and was so gentle and calming. We talked for a while about our issues until it was her turn to register, I am so grateful Mrs. Richardson was there for me. I was calm and at peace. Some people possess such kindness and soothing souls. This lady is a fine example of one of those people. I have three more days until the surgery. Three days seems like three years, I’m getting close to the end. I hope that next week will close a scary chapter. I don’t want this nightmare to continue. I’m tired and I need to rest,
Keep in mind I’m not even 40 yet. I found Lump A and had a mammogram at age 33.