Tis the Season for Suffering and Sadness

I imagine I am six years old and I have my nose shoved in the Sears Wish book. Ours was always worn with folded pages and circled toys. That damn catalog was the Holy Grail of Christmas. I would look at it for hours and dream of all the fun I would have with everything in the book. The wish book was magical and my imagination soared every time I thought about it. The highlight of the fall season was prying that joker out of the mailbox. I would have cut someone over my damn wish book. It’s a damn shame the wish book is a thing of the past. I could sure use a little bit of its magic right now.

sears-wish-book-1982

Once I got older the magic of the Holidays seemed to die.  I grew up too fast and I did it in my head.  Life is so much better inside your own mind. Growing up means all those you love are growing old. In 2006 I lost my Papa and in June of this year I lost my Granny. I knew last Christmas would be our final Christmas together. I’m still bitter and I suppose I always will be. We lived next door to them for most of my life. Even before we were neighbors we always had a close relationship. Both of my parents worked so we spent lots of time with them. When I dream of home it is always their house. My parents divorced when I was in my twenties. My grandparents house has always been a constant in my life. Same address and phone number. This year the only difference is they are both gone.

big     I have to fake it for my boys. I will do the whole song and dance and throw on the biggest smile you ever saw. It will be a lie. I want them happy and don’t get me wrong their happiness is what I live for.  It’s just not that simple as wanting to be happy for someone who was depressed since childhood. That’s just the way I was made, a little sad at times and reclusive. Sometimes I’m more fun than a barrel of monkeys. This time of year I’m about as fun as a root canal. I stay away from people because I don’t want to be a pill.  I know I’m not the only one that has a hard time at the holidays. I really envy the people who have so much joy in their heart they could puke. I see them in the stores. I see their smiles. I see the obscene amount of money they spend on their people.  I wonder if they see me or my brothers and sisters in suffering?

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This year has slipped away from me. I guess the older you are the faster time passes. I hope this Christmas people will be kind to one another and help those in need. We have forgotten kindness and forgiveness.  Goodwill towards man is a thing of the past. It sounds silly but I sure wish Santa was real.  Maybe he could bring me a new outlook on life.  I wish peace for those that are suffering and happiness for the sad. I’m thankful for the family I do have. I know there are so many people alone during the Holidays and I wish them company.

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