Imagine a world that exists only in your head. The past that once was your life. I am here in 2014 with my children and the chi’s. I go through the motions of a life. I play the game and do as I should. I am a master of disguise. When I’m not inspired or I feel alone I drift away. I live in my head. Everything is so much better there. I’m stuck in between time. No matter how hard I try to go forward I am pulled back. In my mind it’s 1995 and I like it there. Welcome to my life. A woman child stuck with the notion that she is forever nineteen. Why do I feel so at home in the mid to late 90’s?
What the actual hell is wrong with me?
I could ask myself that question everyday and never have a clue of the answer. Why do I romanticize about this time period of my life? I feel like the reasons are things that I have not let go. People live and people die. Some are happy and others are sad. There is no future in the past, yet I vacation there as if it were a four star resort in the Hampton’s. I don’t think normal people do this. It’s a good thing that I am not normal. I’ve been told over and over that you have to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made. I don’t know how. I have tried and thought I had peace with some things until they crept up like the first cold snap of the year. You aren’t ready for it and scramble to adjust. My hurt locker is full of things. Ugly things that should never been seen or done. I am haunted by things that happened half my lifetime ago. Why can’t I wall this off and forget the sting?
I think that there are somethings that change the course of your life and how you cope. One event can derail everything and leave you lost. I feel like a vagrant at times. I can’t stay still and don’t really have a home. The one in my mind is pretty swanky. I like it there. I can relive the good and try to splice over the bad. When you lose someone who you are in love with then things crumble. It’s hell trying to adjust. The pain is unbearable when you lose a lover. I can’t describe the pain but those who have lost as I have known it well. It’s a beast that lies to you and makes you think maybe they didn’t love you at all. A wandering mind is a dangerous thing. I have not had a normal relationship since I was 21. I am dysfunction and chaos. I sabotage good things out of fear. This is how it is and why I am stuck.
I wish I could undo all my wrongs. I wish the harsh words never left my mouth. You can’t ever take back the pain you inflict on others. I must accept my wrongs and find peace. I’m tired of living in the past and trying to calculate the moment everything went south. I can not do this. It is impossible and I am beating the dead horse. I’m ready to return to the present. One morning soon I hope to awake from a slumber and feel I’ve made amends. I want that peace. Don’t we all?
Published first on The Original Bunker Punks site at http://originalbunkerpunks.wix.com/originalbunkerpunks#!The-Past-That-Once-Was-Your-Life-by-Bonnie-Glassco/c1kod/5182CE5E-17CC-4269-AF04-6A0707282576