The Burning of Blueberry Hill Part 2 is out! Please read it and let me know what you think. Thank you for your support.
I know that you can’t sleep. Your troubles are many and your heart is full. You’ve carried so much that’s bottled up inside. I know how you hurt and the way you feel. Being a prisoner of your own mind is a hell one can’t imagine. I know you cry yourself to sleep at night. I do it too. All alone and hundreds of miles away. We are all alone but together in our plight,
It has been said that the eyes are the window to the soul. Does that mean the tears that escape our eyes are those of our soul? When we cry ourselves to sleep are we cleansing our souls? It’s draining and heart wrenching to cry yourself to sleep. Nobody can hear your cries. Nobody knows what happens when you turn off the light. Staying awake to the wee hours of the night sometimes keeps the cleansing from happening. Sometimes I don’t sleep because I am afraid to. I feel safer sleeping during the day.
The things that go bump in the night are far more sinister than you think. Those are the things that live in our head. They crowd our minds and overwhelm us to tears, They bring us fear and the feeling of emptiness. The night is the loneliest time so our minds won’t let us sleep. We must flight with our demons and bare our soul. Then and only then will we find our peace and drift to sleep.
I’ve lost touch. I think all human beings need to be touched. So many times I just want to be held. I want to feel safe. I cry myself the sleep in hopes that somebody will appear and take me into their arms and tell me it’s ok. This fantasy drives me. I am alone all the time. I want what I can’t have. I want something impossible. I stumble around blindly hoping someone will reach out and take my hand. I need to feel human interaction. I am starved for it.
I’m tired of reaching in the dark for something I can not see. I hoping to crash into someone or something before I loose it. Some of us are meant to wander. We are the restless. The weary gravitate to each other sometimes. It’s wonderful to feel at peace with a fellow traveller. As you sleep close to one another in your warm bed, we are alone in the dark. We are crying in the night.
The Burning of Blueberry Hill (Part1) is up for the world to see. Take a peek here:
Stay Tuned for Part 2
I was flying high just a few days ago. I saw more readers in a few short days than I’d seen in a few months time. It was the best feeling. I was humbled. I felt like I’d really accomplished something. It was a huge deal. I knew it wouldn’t last. What goes up must always come down. I fell so fast and landed face first in the dirt. I didn’t have a single visitor yesterday. My fifteen minutes of blogging fame seem to have gone and went. That fall from the top was brutal.
So here I am wracking my brain in the wee hours of the morning. I can’t come up with anything interesting. My mind is blank. I have this story I poured everything into and I can’t bring myself to do revisions. I can’t bring myself to do much of anything lately. I’m out of touch and uninspired. I guess I’m a little lost. I have all these great ideas and potential. The problem is things get lost in translation with me, I have all these thoughts,feelings and ideas that are exploding in my mind. They either don’t come out right or I’m too scared to let them out and take on a life of their own. I can’t finish what I start most of the time.
I’ve been told many times that the things I post on social media are cryptic and they don’t make any sense. This is exactly what I’m talking about. Sometimes I can’t convey a complete thought. Most of the time I read it and I know exactly what it means. I see what I left out. I’m notorious for that. It’s frustrating as all get out. I don’t know if there is one person on this planet that understands me or really knows who I am. Most people can point out my flaws quickly. Lucky for me I know these all too well. I live with them.
Being alone on the weekends usually makes me somber. Everyday when I wake up I hope that it will be the day I finally get it right. It doesn’t happen. Some days I get pretty close. Most days I don’t even come close. I feel like a terrible failure and start the cycle all over again. I’ve gone back into recluse mode. I don’t visit the land of the living anymore. I don’t have the energy and I like my safe place. I don’t know if writing is my safe place anymore. I’m thinking about giving it up again. Writing makes me happy but without purpose it feels like a waste. I don’t think I’m being realistic about keeping up my responsibilities and having time to write. I need balance. I also need a sign.
I wanted to thank each and every one of my readers. You have given me purpose. I need that purpose. I went from a couple of views here and there to my blog blowing up in the course of a day. I never meant for this to happen. My post for M. was from my heart. I wanted her to know she is loved as well as her family. I’m grateful for all of my new readers. I do feel bad that everything positive that has happened in this short time frame stemmed from the pain of others. I hang my head in response to this. Just know my intentions are pure. I write for me. I will never be famous. I’m common as they come. I appreciate the time everyone has taken to read my babble. Thank you all.
My Dear Sweet M,
I don’t know where to begin. You’ve been through hell and back in the course of a day. There is nothing I can say or do to ease your pain. I wish I could take it away and ease your heart. I wish I had the words. There are no words to comfort you during this time. I can’t fathom the emotions you’ve experienced all at once. The day you meet your baby is supposed to be one of the happiest of days. Today has been bittersweet. I know I have no idea what you feel. It hurts me deeply to see the pain.
The pictures you posted rocked me to my core. There was beauty in those moments of sadness. I saw right through them and I know you did too. I know this will be difficult. People will say the wrong thing. What do you say in a moment like this? Words won’t dull the pain. Words can’t take it back. There is absolutely nothing I can say or do to comfort you. Time is all there is to dull the pain.
You are strong but you do not have to be everyone’s rock. You can grieve. You can be angry. You are entitled. You knew him better than anyone else. It’s not fair that his time was short. I am angry for you and your husband. I am sad for your first-born. I wish you peace and comfort. Know that you are loved. You have a whole community of people who are grieving with you. We are here even if we don’t have the words. We will be the ear in the middle of the night or the shoulder to cry on. Please lean on us. You are brave. You are beautiful and kind. Your angel was his mother’s child. Dear M I want you to know I carry you,J, and W in my heart. I cry for you all. If you ever need me I will be here. We all are here. We love you all. Rest in peace sweet angel Jack. Your family loves you more than you can imagine. Watch over them.
All of My Love,
We are hitting the road and going on tour…..Sorta
I ain’t going a damn place but this farm. It’s nasty outside. My kids are out of school due to icy road conditions. Some moron must have thrown out a Route 44 Sonic Cup full of ice on the road. The temperature dropped and it froze. Some people’s damn kids. Let’s play 20 questions or something.
What is your most prized possession? My 1993 Ford Mustang LX Coupe. All original with only 35,000 miles. I will cut somebody over my car. It’s a classic piece of American Muscle. I love cars.
How do you unwind after a long day? If it’s been a hellish one I need a Coors Lite in an aluminum bottle. I rekindled my love for beer this past summer. I’m infatuated by the aluminum bottle. My iPod helps too.
What is one song that has followed you throughout your whole life? When I was about 16 I noticed that every time something was going down REM’s “Losing My Religion” Would come on the radio. It’s pretty damn funny if you think about it. Most of the time I found myself in an awkward situation then I could count on my theme song coming on. It still happens.
If you could give one piece of advice to new bloggers in your field, what would it be? Always push the envelope.
Now that you’re famous, we need a quote from you. “I’m just this side of heaven on the outskirts of hell.”
I like a good rap song when I’m feeling foul. When I start thinking about stuff that pisses me off then I need to roll with it. I find a good rap song and let it flow. The more explicit the lyrics the better. I can go from average girl on the farm to Gangster rapper in 2 seconds flat. Too bad I don’t have any rap skills because I got the explicit lyrics on lock. Right now I’m home with Izzy and Cooper. They are not impressed with my potty mouth. It makes me feel better. It gets the aggravation out. Swearing is my guilty pleasure. I’m terrible I know. I’m an intelligent woman with a high IQ and an immense vocabulary. Regardless, I need cuss words and rap. It completes me. Do not be alarmed if you get beside me in traffic and I’m wildin out. This is me. DEAL WITH IT.
It’s 4am CST and I’m restless. Is it so wrong to turn to others when you need a friend? Is it wrong to want to interact with another human being? I can go from the anger to the hurt in 2 seconds flat. I’m drowning now. I will never understand why I let people get to me sometimes. I hold on to the hurt and just add the new on top of that. Letting go of the things that people do to me would be much easier. The pain they inflict on me just piles up over the old like a fresh coat of paint. This ain’t no pretty paint anybody would want. This is sordid and ugly. It’s uneven and it chips easily. I’m covered in it yet only I can see it.
I’ve come to realize the only way to get this tawdry mess off of me is to stop them. No more being nice, I need to care enough about myself and shut these people down. I will stand up for everyone except myself. This needs to stop. I am not a doormat or a rest stop. Do not treat me like one. I should bust out the rap lyrics on these suckas that try me. Anyone that knows me will tell you I’m not going to take bs. That is correct to an extent. I do let somethings slide because I feel they are too painful to deal with. I want them to go away. That’s not going to happen. I have to make it happen, I have a few choice rap lyrics in mind, Some are oldies and some are from the farm. I find Big Sean and E-40’s IDFWU liberating. I will be sure to rattle off a few lines next time a creeper rolls up on me.
I’m happy to report that I just finished my short story “The Burning of Blueberry Hill”. I am thrilled that I finally got this idea out of my head and into words. The idea that been there for years and current events made it a little different. I wrote this story for entertainment purposes. There are some similarities to my life. The point is that it’s only a story. It was my way of dealing with all the changes in my life last year. I hope you guys enjoy it. I’ve sent it off to be proofed and then I will have to figure out where I go with it next. I’m looking for publication. If that doesn’t happen I’m ok with it. I will just publish it here and hope for the best. It would be everything to me if it got picked up by a publication. I honestly think that it isn’t very good and won’t cut the mustard. I hope I am wrong.
Today I slept until 4pm. I didn’t go anywhere this weekend. I tapped the keys on my laptop. I started bringing a story to life. I’m feeling like that gum on the bottom of my Chuck Taylor’s again. It ain’t good y’all. I got so caught up in something impossible and now I’m at a loss. I should start selling tickets to my fantasy land. I think I could make a fortune. Reality blows and fantasy is where it’s at. When reality hits it can get you right in the gut. It was hopeless but it was beautiful.
My situation has gone from impossible to hopeless. I’m not really sure what I thought would happen. I got caught up in that fantasy as always. I care way too much. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I let people in when I should be building a fortress. Once in a while somebody comes along and you get distracted. Hell I ended up out in left field somewhere. It was bound to happen though. I was captivated and honestly stupid about it. It wasn’t practical and I knew better. I didn’t give a damn though. I wish things were different but they aren’t.
In a few hours the distance will become greater and I will be a memory. I have to believe there was a reason our paths crossed. There has to be a reason it felt right. How could I be so wrong? I won’t ever know the answers or the purpose for any of this. I will only know the sadness I feel right now. Sure, I will get over it. I will be fine. I know it was impossible and against all the odds. It was nice to imagine the possibility. Now it’s time to get back to the real world.
Letting go of the things we want is never easy. Dreams of a different life are normal. Wanting the impossible is natural. I shoot for the moon all the time. I end up getting lost in space most of the time. It’s better than regret. One day I will have the moon and all the stars in my sky. Even if it’s just in my dreams.