Falling From the Top

I was flying high just a few days ago. I saw more readers in a few short days than I’d seen in a few months time. It was the best feeling. I was humbled. I felt like I’d really accomplished something. It was a huge deal. I knew it wouldn’t last. What goes up must always come down. I fell so fast and landed face first in the dirt. I didn’t have a single visitor yesterday. My fifteen minutes of blogging fame seem to have gone and went. That fall from the top was brutal.

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So here I am wracking my brain in the wee hours of the morning. I can’t come up with anything interesting. My mind is blank. I have this story I poured everything into and I can’t bring myself to do revisions. I can’t bring myself to do much of anything lately. I’m out of touch and uninspired. I guess I’m a little lost. I have all these great ideas and potential. The problem is things get lost in translation with me, I have all these thoughts,feelings and ideas that are exploding in my mind. They either don’t come out right or I’m too scared to let them out and take on a life of their own. I can’t finish what I start most of the time.

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I’ve been told many times that the things I post on social media are cryptic and they don’t make any sense. This is exactly what I’m talking about. Sometimes I can’t convey a complete thought. Most of the time I read it and I know exactly what it means. I see what I left out. I’m notorious for that. It’s frustrating as all get out. I don’t know if there is one person on this planet that understands me or really knows who I am. Most people can point out my flaws quickly. Lucky for me I know these all too well. I live with them.

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Being alone on the weekends usually makes me somber. Everyday when I wake up I hope that it will be the day I finally get it right. It doesn’t happen. Some days I get pretty close. Most days I don’t even come close. I feel like a terrible failure and start the cycle all over again. I’ve gone back into recluse mode. I don’t visit the land of the living anymore. I don’t have the energy and I like my safe place. I don’t know if writing is my safe place anymore. I’m thinking about giving it up again. Writing makes me happy but without purpose it feels like a waste. I don’t think I’m being realistic about keeping up my responsibilities and having time to write. I need balance. I also need a sign.

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6 thoughts on “Falling From the Top

  1. You are being way too hard on yourself. Your writing is very good and don’t stop. Just don’t rush it or force it and give yourself time to process your thoughts. Don’t read too much into my advice because I have no idea what I’m doing either 😉
    BUT stop putting yourself down ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think we all end up where you are at right now with writing. So much to say and sometimes, no way to say so others can even come close to what our intent is! I just wrote a really emotional post about my childhood. It took everything out of me but was therapeutic at the same time. I had to put my writing on hold for a few days just to let go of all the memories it conjured up. Maybe the post you are referring to theat you poured your heart and soul into has you emotionally tipsy right now. We are writers and when it’s personal, sometimes we have to let ourselves recover without beating ourselves up without being able to jump right in and start again. Give yourself a break. Read some other blogs relating to what you are going through OR maybe some funny upbeat one’s. Maybe there is no room in your mind and heart right now after what you wrote so let it rest. You’ll get it back – it never goes anywhere, we just hide from it sometimes. As far as numbers go? I’m new, maybe blogging three months. I haven’t even looked and don’t care. I write for me and those who like it will follow. If you try to write so others will like you, that isn’t you. Anyway, just trying to let you know you are not alone. How about submitting your piece somwhere for some editing to see from someone else’s point of view what it needs? That may help you finish it up. Just a few suggestions that have helped me. Like I said, I have only been doing this so what the hell do I know???? I just hate hearing you struggle and feeling like you have to stop because you are in limbo right now. Give yourself a little time to catch your breath!! xoxoxoxoxo

    Liked by 1 person

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