I’m writing after being hit with all sorts of emotions. I need everyone to understand some things about me. I ask you to pacify me for five minutes. Carrie Manolakos is singing a song that I feel was written about me. This is a beautiful song and the original artist did not do it justice. Carrie sings it with such depth and feeling. If you can take 5 minutes out of you time and listen to this song you won’t regret it. The thing is that I want you to clear your mind first and hit play. Close your eyes and listen, FEEL. I did this earlier and I cried uncontrollably. I relived a painful time in my life, actually many of them. Give it a listen and see if you can see me or even yourself. Close your eyes and see it.
I hope you could see and feel it. If you couldn’t then I will tell you what you missed. This is somebody so wrapped up into depression, loneliness and addiction. She blocks the pain with alcohol. She drinks until she’s numb and fearless again. She is the IT girl. You notice her when she walks into the room. She has haunting eyes and oozes confidence. Her smile is just for you. She makes you feel special when she gives you a look and she grins ever so slightly. She has no boundaries and she is everyone’s friend. She is kind. She drinks one after the next. She dances on bars and swings from ceiling fans and whatever else she can find. She dances alone in the corner. Then you see a tear escape her eye. She drinks more and more until the pain leaves her. You wonder why a girl like that could ever be sad. What is she hiding in that pretty little head of hers? She walks over after she catches you looking.
This girl makes you feel like you are the only one in the world. She laughs at your jokes and hangs on every word you say. Then you realize it is last call that she’s so drunk that she can’t drive home. She argues that she’s fine and needs to go. You take her keys and she shows you the devil. She tries to fight you but falls down and bursts into tears. This girl is broken. She has caused a scene by now and it attracts “vultures” they talk her into coming home with them. Do you let her go and fall victim to God knows what or do you scoop her up and get her out of there? it’s a fight and finally the vultures leave. You pick her up off the floor and throw her over your shoulder. You buckle her in the car. Luckily her license is with her keys so you drive her home. She wakes up enough to thank you. When you get her home she stumbles out of the car and makes her way to the door. Finally she makes it inside. She smiles and waves. That girl haunts you now.
I’m sure you know somebody like this but don’t really know their story. We all have a story. My story is one of pain, death, heartbreak and hurt. Most of it I did to myself. When the pain hit I numbed it anyway I could. I don’t numb it much anymore. I embrace my pain in all its’ ugliness. I’ve run so many good men off with my antics. Like the good guy above that saved me from more pain. I have a way of getting rid of good people in my life. Fear is a powerful thing. The demons rear their ugly head a lot lately. I try not to listen. Sometimes I fail. I hope today isn’t one of those days. On this day in 1998 I started dating Chance. Thirteen months later he was gone. You never get over putting someone you love in the ground. It’s a different kind of pain when your lover dies. I can’t explain it and hope y’all never feel that pain. I almost let it destroy me. Some days it does then I go on. Today I feel like swinging from the chandelier. I’m holding on for dear life.