Today was a wonderful day. My plans fell through due to a safety issue with my car. I was really bummed out. I spent the day with my “friend”.This is where the lines blur and things are more of a grey area. I will tell you I’ve never had a friendship like this one. I stay confused most of the time. It’s like buying something at the store and once you open it you find the wrong item inside. I find the situation frustrating and confusing.

For the past month I’ve been in a friendship that I signed up for but didn’t read the disclaimer. At the time I was ok with the situation. It gets harder for me everyday to exist in a this constant state of turmoil. I’m afraid to have feelings and emotions. I know he’s not ready for a relationship. The whacked part is that this resembles a relationship. I guess that’s just me being confused. I get reminded often that I am only a friend. A good kick in the teeth can be healthy.

How do I not get feelings when I spend a great amount of time with him? I know that everyday it gets a little harder to be a friend. I broke down this weekend and had a long cry. I tried to end things because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wasn’t successful. I was reminded that I agreed that things were ok like this for now. I don’t know how much longer I will be ok with it this way. I was happy today. It was a good day full of fun. The f word lingered in my mind the whole time. Since when did friend become a four letter word?
It’s almost sordid now by definition.

I’m home alone now. There is an emptiness inside me. All is still. My heart beats slowly as I breathe with quietness. Will I still be a friend and watch him move on to someone else? If I am still long enough will his feelings change? I don’t have a clue what will happen. I just know I don’t want to loose what we have. We get each other. That’s a big deal.



4 thoughts on “Still

  1. Um…no. If things have ended, it’s the best thing that could have happened. You didn’t want to end what you “had”, but in reality, you had only what he was willing to allow you. Screw that selfish bastard, and move on. Don’t ever settle. You are much too valuable.

    Liked by 1 person

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