Today was a wonderful day. My plans fell through due to a safety issue with my car. I was really bummed out. I spent the day with my “friend”.This is where the lines blur and things are more of a grey area. I will tell you I’ve never had a friendship like this one. I stay confused most of the time. It’s like buying something at the store and once you open it you find the wrong item inside. I find the situation frustrating and confusing.
For the past month I’ve been in a friendship that I signed up for but didn’t read the disclaimer. At the time I was ok with the situation. It gets harder for me everyday to exist in a this constant state of turmoil. I’m afraid to have feelings and emotions. I know he’s not ready for a relationship. The whacked part is that this resembles a relationship. I guess that’s just me being confused. I get reminded often that I am only a friend. A good kick in the teeth can be healthy.
How do I not get feelings when I spend a great amount of time with him? I know that everyday it gets a little harder to be a friend. I broke down this weekend and had a long cry. I tried to end things because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wasn’t successful. I was reminded that I agreed that things were ok like this for now. I don’t know how much longer I will be ok with it this way. I was happy today. It was a good day full of fun. The f word lingered in my mind the whole time. Since when did friend become a four letter word?
It’s almost sordid now by definition.
I’m home alone now. There is an emptiness inside me. All is still. My heart beats slowly as I breathe with quietness. Will I still be a friend and watch him move on to someone else? If I am still long enough will his feelings change? I don’t have a clue what will happen. I just know I don’t want to loose what we have. We get each other. That’s a big deal.