Shoot the Moon or Take a Seat

This is my plight. I can not go into anything half ass. I need to feel something. I must jump in with both feet. I come in hot without the best brakes. I’m flying and I feel alive. My smile is infectious. It’s hell slowing this circus down. I manage it just fine. I’m out on front street for everyone to see my flaws. I can pick myself apart in a matter of a minute. I learned it from the best. I loathe my body. It does not match what’s inside. I deal with it. Just look in my eyes if you need to know who I am. That’s as real as it will get. You can see my soul if you look hard enough. I am not who you think I am.

I’ve put myself out there nine thousand and ninety-nine times and failed every single time. I hate myself some days. I hate my intensity. I hate the chains that hold be down. I hate my fantasies and all my pretty horses. I hate my thighs and my breasts. I don’t let anyone see my legs. I am ashamed. I look like a freak. Several years ago I was thin. I stood at almost 5’10” and weighed 150 pounds. I’d never been that thin. I saw a whale in the mirror and hated myself still. Other people hated me too because they told me I looked sick and needed to eat. I got accused daily of having an eating disorder. It was sad. I saw my reflection in a window once and I wondered who that woman was. She was thin and healthy and had a bounce in her step. What the actual hell? It was me. Sadly it didn’t last because of all the static. Back to fat me because it made everyone else more comfortable.

I’ve traveled a bit off my intended thought but I will just roll with it. I am intense. I hate it sometimes. Most people don’t appreciate my passion for things in life. I get so much joy from simple things. A butterfly in the grass or my beloved crow cawing in the distance. Sometimes I open the door to a murder of crows in the field. I see the beauty. I know they are misunderstood. I get them and they me. We occupy the same space for a while then they fly away. I have peace.

When I love you then it’s fierce. I love with a deepness and passion that some people can’t grip. I can’t play with my feelings. If I love you then you know it. If I love you I give it all. I lay it all on the line then I cross that line. I feel the fire. I need that back. I need to feel what I give. This is the hard part. I give it to the wrong people. I give my love to those that will never love me back. I give to those that are unable to feel. I love too much. Every time I can feel my heart ache a little more. I do think that it’s possible to give all the love you have until there’s nothing left of your heart. It’s torn a little more and the pieces are scattered to the wind. It’s hard to continue with less and less each time.

I can’t take a seat and watch the madness. I always shoot the moon. One day it may pay off or kill me in the process. I’m not sure how it will end up. I know that one day a lot of people will regret letting me go. I will be fine. I went big and lost. I tried and gave it my all. I’m not ashamed to have loved and lost. Be ashamed to have held the world in the palm of your hand and let it slip away.

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I Let Go

I let go of my fear from the last time around. I let myself feel. I didn’t hold back this time. I couldn’t go on without doing things right. If I feel then you must feel. I saw the stars and let the words roll off my tongue. Why was I living half alive? It wasn’t doing me any favors. I had to jump without looking. My eyes are wide open now. I don’t know how this will turn out. I can’t worry nor have I any regret. I did exactly what I wanted to do. No regrets. No more holding back all that I feel inside.

 

 

Bite It Sideways Cancer

It’s cold enough to hang meat in here. I left my jacket in the car. I’m wearing jeans, a mustang t-shirt and flip-flops. I’m cold and I am starving like Marvin. I didn’t eat this morning because I have fasting blood work to do after the mammogram. Cold will kick hungry’s ass any day. When I worked in offices I always had blankets and jackets. It didn’t matter if it was summertime. I freeze indoors.     I’ve gotten my paperwork and I rode the elevator up to the second floor. I saw a nurse I know and exchanged small talk. I got off the elevator to chaos. It’s so very loud in this open waiting area. I’m trying to tune out all the noise. There’s nothing worse than overly loud chatter in a hospital. Call me old-fashioned. I treat the waiting area as a library. My voice is hushed when I speak. There are sick people among us. Some of them are so frightened and others are loud with happiness. I’m quiet and doing my best to make them all disappear. I just want to hear the voice in my head yet my mind is polluted with things the others discuss.  I must be the problem.  I can’t expect others to be quiet just because it’s driving me nuts.   The Today Show plays in the mammogram lobby. This time I don’t have anyone to talk to. The elderly lady looked at me as if I was toxic. She has no idea. I saw disbelief and a little sadness in her eyes. I guess me being half her age upset her. Me too sweet lady. I didn’t much care for seeing her there either. She looked sweet. Aren’t we all. The Today Show had Reba McEntire on. I tune them out. I’m glad they weren’t going to the Hampton’s again. I’m so jealous of the beautiful woman on there with her flawless mocha colored skin. Ugh. Let me get my alabaster butt in there.   Today I only have to have leftie defy gravity. Let me tell you, having to manipulate these bad boys into all the positions is insane. Seriously somebody needs to publish pics of a mammogram depicting the actual struggle. I take a break after several shots so the radiologist can review. More shots are needed. Then more after that. When she comes back I’m told I don’t need an ultrasound. Welcome anxiety and fear. The images showed the radiologist what he needs to see. This can go either way. So I wait.   I’m one of those people who need answers. I constantly search for the truth. Sometimes I come up empty. These are the times I sink. I’m running from the devil. The devil is a disease. It robs your joy replacing it with fear.  He steals life and leaves sorrow. The devil is real. He takes many forms. The devil has one job. Destroy everything you love. My mom made me realize that I’ve let some tiny, abnormal calcifications steal my soul.  I let fear dictate my life for the last six months. I’ve let so much time pass as I watch from the sidelines. There isn’t a damn thing I can do to change any of this. I’ve lost enough to cancer. I won’t allow it to steal my thunder. Good,bad or ugly bring it on. FUCK YOU CANCER. I’m bigger than you. Bite it sideways you filthy hoe.

Forgiveness and Redemption 

There is nothing kinder than forgiveness. Redemption is often sought but never really achieved. To forgive a wrong is the gift of a second chance. Redemption. The righting of wrongs. We all want forgiveness in our hearts as we set out to find redemption of our souls. Be kind to one another. Carry forgiveness in you heart. Love one another. If you have wronged then seek redemption. These are the things that mean the most.

Hurt Locker

I have a place to hide my pain. There is a place I can hide it all away. I close it tightly and hope it doesn’t pop open and let all the bad things out. I even have one that I can put pictures and old things that hold memories.  These places aren’t meant for the beautiful things. They hold my most painful moments and experiences. I guard it with my life. My hurt locker is off-limits to everyone except me. It’s far too painful to open up and share.

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                                                                                Jiminy’s Goodbye

I have decided to share some of the things my hurt locker holds. A picture of Jiminy’s nose before I had to give him to the guy at the crematorium. This was the day that I blamed myself for his death. I felt my heart crack inside my chest. I was alone and had to take care of him myself. It was difficult for me to do. I can’t get the image out of my head. I hope one day I will no longer see him in that state. I miss him like crazy and can’t believe it’s been 10 months since I lost him.

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                                                                                 Granny and Papa

The memories of my grandparents are tucked away inside. I have some pictures so personal with them that I’ve never showed anyone. I can’t bring myself to share the last pictures taken with my Granny. They are hidden away from the world. I don’t want anyone to see her this way. She was frail and slipping away. It was hard for me to see. I didn’t go and stay the night she passed away. I’ve seen and done a lot in my life. I wasn’t strong enough to see her leave this world. I know there are some that don’t understand my reasons. I could not live the rest of my life with the image in my head of her leaving. It was hard enough for me remembering the last time I saw my Papa alive. I knew it was goodbye so I lingered in the doorway and told him I loved him as I turned out the light. I can’t remember what he said to me. He may have replied but I’m not sure since it was hard for him to speak in the end. I said my goodbye to Granny as she lay in the hospital bed. I hope she understood why I didn’t come. I think she did.

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                                                                                          Chance and I

Most people know about Chance and his tragic death. I still carry it with me. It’s been sixteen years since he left me. I have blocked most of the memories out. I will randomly have one creep in my mind. I still cry over him. I don’t remember who I was before this happened. This time in my life is buried so deep in my hurt locker that I doubt it can be pried out. Sometimes it feels like the whole thing was a dream. I had lost my friend Anna less than a year before Chance. She died in a car accident too. They both died in the same kind of car. That was a hard pill to swallow. I often wonder what life would be like if they were still here.

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There is so much more stuffed inside my hurt locker. Some of it is just too painful to share. Somethings I have long forgotten. I’m sure one day all my lost hurts will come rushing back. I can do my best to deal with them. I hope that one day I can put them all to bed. I dream of the day that these hurtful things let go of me. There is beauty in letting go. I can’t wait to experience it.

Suge Knight: Thug Life Meets Prison Life

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“Suge is in Lockup for a simple misunderstanding,” the campaign originally read. “Please help put together the $202,500 to help get him out. If we fall short we will just put the money on his books. please help.” KJ Simpson on the GoFundMe page he created for Suge Knight……The powers that be over at GoFundMe have removed Felicia’s page. I mean Suge.. Have a look. http://www.gofundme.com/l5hu4c

Now let me drag this poor guy for a moment. How in the hell is running over a human being with your car a simple misunderstanding? Vehicular homicide and assault with a motor vehicle do not fall within the simple mistake category. If I bought a can of unsweetened applesauce instead of sweetened I’d consider it a simple mistake. If someone misunderstood what I said and wrote down the wrong phone number I’d consider it a simple misunderstanding. Never in my life would I consider mowing down another person with my car and killing them a simple misunderstanding. I’m confused here. Clearly Suge Knight is too. This man has pulled stunts for as long as I can remember. Quiet as it’s kept I’m sure this ain’t his first homicide involvement.

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Exhibit A

Yes, I am going there. I sure hope Suge and his camp won’t retaliate against my country ass. I’m not the first to point fingers and most certainly won’t be the last. I’ve read many theories on Suge Knight and his involvement in the deaths of Tupac Shakur and Christopher Wallace AKA Biggie Smalls. The conspiracy theories are all over the internet. I could read all the information and it would take a year to sift through it. That’s not counting the case file of the shooting of Tupac. Some of the articles are too far-fetched. Some raise valid points. I followed a LA journalist for some time. His research made the most sense to me. If I could only remember who he was.

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Suge Knight has stepped in so much crap over the years and he always comes out smelling like a rose. How in the hell has he cheated death as many times as he did? He got shot like five times at Chris Brown’s VMA party. I think Justin Bieber was there too. Yes, you may laugh. I still do.  I do believe Mr. Knight was the intended target. Brown and Bieber aren’t even in the same arena as Suge.  Why was he targeted? Because he is not a good person. Suge Knight sits in jail. I’m not sure how long he’s going to be there this time. Suge can and has gotten away with murder before. It actually wouldn’t surprise me if the former Death Row Records executive didn’t make it out of jail. His luck may run out. I think someone will retaliate and end his life. It’s a shame that he’s gotten away with so much. Stay tuned for more Suge Knight Drama. This man can’t stop.

I Just Want to Sleep

I’m so tired yet I’m wide awake. My mind is running 90 miles per minute. I want it to shut it. I don’t want to feel. I’m lost. I don’t want to be found just yet. I’ve been dealing with a nasty dental infection for about a month because I was stupid. I can’t get over the infection. It’s painful and I’m miserable. Tonight I feel so sad. I could name a hundred different reasons. I’m hurt too. I’m the cause of that. Somebody show me how to not care. I’m tired.

 

I envy people that don’t want or need anyone. I covet the life of someone that never wants any type of relationship in their life other than friendship. How the hell do they do it? I’m impressed by the level of not giving a damn these people exhibit. I’m weak and I suck at this. Am I ever going to say I’m done and mean it? Why do I continue to care about people that don’t care about me? That’s the $64,000 question.

  

Maybe I will go to sleep and all my questions will be answered. Maybe I just won’t care. Maybe zombies will eat my brain. Tune in later this week as I start the Biannual Cancer Games. May the odds be forever in my favor. Yeah right.