I have a place to hide my pain. There is a place I can hide it all away. I close it tightly and hope it doesn’t pop open and let all the bad things out. I even have one that I can put pictures and old things that hold memories. These places aren’t meant for the beautiful things. They hold my most painful moments and experiences. I guard it with my life. My hurt locker is off-limits to everyone except me. It’s far too painful to open up and share.
I have decided to share some of the things my hurt locker holds. A picture of Jiminy’s nose before I had to give him to the guy at the crematorium. This was the day that I blamed myself for his death. I felt my heart crack inside my chest. I was alone and had to take care of him myself. It was difficult for me to do. I can’t get the image out of my head. I hope one day I will no longer see him in that state. I miss him like crazy and can’t believe it’s been 10 months since I lost him.
The memories of my grandparents are tucked away inside. I have some pictures so personal with them that I’ve never showed anyone. I can’t bring myself to share the last pictures taken with my Granny. They are hidden away from the world. I don’t want anyone to see her this way. She was frail and slipping away. It was hard for me to see. I didn’t go and stay the night she passed away. I’ve seen and done a lot in my life. I wasn’t strong enough to see her leave this world. I know there are some that don’t understand my reasons. I could not live the rest of my life with the image in my head of her leaving. It was hard enough for me remembering the last time I saw my Papa alive. I knew it was goodbye so I lingered in the doorway and told him I loved him as I turned out the light. I can’t remember what he said to me. He may have replied but I’m not sure since it was hard for him to speak in the end. I said my goodbye to Granny as she lay in the hospital bed. I hope she understood why I didn’t come. I think she did.
Most people know about Chance and his tragic death. I still carry it with me. It’s been sixteen years since he left me. I have blocked most of the memories out. I will randomly have one creep in my mind. I still cry over him. I don’t remember who I was before this happened. This time in my life is buried so deep in my hurt locker that I doubt it can be pried out. Sometimes it feels like the whole thing was a dream. I had lost my friend Anna less than a year before Chance. She died in a car accident too. They both died in the same kind of car. That was a hard pill to swallow. I often wonder what life would be like if they were still here.
There is so much more stuffed inside my hurt locker. Some of it is just too painful to share. Somethings I have long forgotten. I’m sure one day all my lost hurts will come rushing back. I can do my best to deal with them. I hope that one day I can put them all to bed. I dream of the day that these hurtful things let go of me. There is beauty in letting go. I can’t wait to experience it.