Bite It Sideways Cancer

It’s cold enough to hang meat in here. I left my jacket in the car. I’m wearing jeans, a mustang t-shirt and flip-flops. I’m cold and I am starving like Marvin. I didn’t eat this morning because I have fasting blood work to do after the mammogram. Cold will kick hungry’s ass any day. When I worked in offices I always had blankets and jackets. It didn’t matter if it was summertime. I freeze indoors.     I’ve gotten my paperwork and I rode the elevator up to the second floor. I saw a nurse I know and exchanged small talk. I got off the elevator to chaos. It’s so very loud in this open waiting area. I’m trying to tune out all the noise. There’s nothing worse than overly loud chatter in a hospital. Call me old-fashioned. I treat the waiting area as a library. My voice is hushed when I speak. There are sick people among us. Some of them are so frightened and others are loud with happiness. I’m quiet and doing my best to make them all disappear. I just want to hear the voice in my head yet my mind is polluted with things the others discuss.  I must be the problem.  I can’t expect others to be quiet just because it’s driving me nuts.   The Today Show plays in the mammogram lobby. This time I don’t have anyone to talk to. The elderly lady looked at me as if I was toxic. She has no idea. I saw disbelief and a little sadness in her eyes. I guess me being half her age upset her. Me too sweet lady. I didn’t much care for seeing her there either. She looked sweet. Aren’t we all. The Today Show had Reba McEntire on. I tune them out. I’m glad they weren’t going to the Hampton’s again. I’m so jealous of the beautiful woman on there with her flawless mocha colored skin. Ugh. Let me get my alabaster butt in there.   Today I only have to have leftie defy gravity. Let me tell you, having to manipulate these bad boys into all the positions is insane. Seriously somebody needs to publish pics of a mammogram depicting the actual struggle. I take a break after several shots so the radiologist can review. More shots are needed. Then more after that. When she comes back I’m told I don’t need an ultrasound. Welcome anxiety and fear. The images showed the radiologist what he needs to see. This can go either way. So I wait.   I’m one of those people who need answers. I constantly search for the truth. Sometimes I come up empty. These are the times I sink. I’m running from the devil. The devil is a disease. It robs your joy replacing it with fear.  He steals life and leaves sorrow. The devil is real. He takes many forms. The devil has one job. Destroy everything you love. My mom made me realize that I’ve let some tiny, abnormal calcifications steal my soul.  I let fear dictate my life for the last six months. I’ve let so much time pass as I watch from the sidelines. There isn’t a damn thing I can do to change any of this. I’ve lost enough to cancer. I won’t allow it to steal my thunder. Good,bad or ugly bring it on. FUCK YOU CANCER. I’m bigger than you. Bite it sideways you filthy hoe.


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