I’ve not written in a while. I have too much going on inside my head. I am conflicted. There is too much unrest. I do not know what to do. I thought I had everything under control. The lies I tell myself are big. The solutions are not pleasant. I can’t bring myself to let go of my current situation. It hurts too bad even though I know things will never be how I need them to be.
I’m disconnected from the situation. I am an observer and feel removed. I see her. She isn’t happy this way. She is not needed. She is not important. She has to keep quiet. Mostly, she is not loved. She is someone of convenience. She doesn’t call the shots because she waits. She hates waiting to be noticed. She’s hidden from the sun. She is wilting. She just can’t be this way anymore.
I’ve been patient. I stopped holding back hoping it would help. I wasn’t happy very long. I gave of myself and it didn’t come back. I’ve been given nice things that I needed. I’m grateful for the gestures. I only really wanted to be loved. I understand that not everyone has the feelings I do. My idea of love differs from that of another. I can’t be left to guess. I have to know. I can not be a part-time hobby. I am not capable of giving all of myself to someone who doesn’t want to do the same for me.
Here I am in the silence of the dark. This is my normal. The light comes in then as it leaves me I crumble. Just like the last time I am here again. I had hoped this time around it would be different. I know that we are the same people as before. There is no change for us. We are too different. I can’t give him what he needs. He can’t give me the things I need to flourish. It’s painful to admit. My heart hurts. It’s not healthy to hold on to hope. This is the way it is. Just let go. Please set me free.