I embrace my weirdness and all my dysfunction. I always have been a little off. I don’t conform. I am difficult and stubborn. I’m hard to handle most days. I’m not ideal. I know I didn’t turn out as she planned. When I hit early adulthood I became difficult and did things my way. I ruined an awful lot of things in my life. I had it all and now I only have my family.
I never really thought about how difficult I’ve been for my mom until now. I feel bad for her. I don’t know why I never listened to my mother. She was always right. I didn’t want her to be. I sure as hell wouldn’t admit it at the time either. I insisted on doing everything the opposite way. I don’t know how she could stomach me at times. I was hell-bent on bucking her rules. If she hated what I wore then I made it a point to wear it out. I don’t know why I felt the need to challenge her every move. I know I made her miserable. I regret it everyday.
When I was pregnant with my oldest son I carried around a lot of guilt. I cried all the time when I thought about how horrible I treated my mother. I wanted to go home to my mom everyday. I was too ashamed of my behavior to ask her if I could come home. I stuck it out. My guilt and misery kept me company. The day my son was born I felt like I understood. It was as if a spirit came to me and whispered the meaning of life in my ear. I never knew such clarity. I understood my mother at that moment. The shame was overwhelming. I treated my mother horrible and I am an asshole.
I never got it right. I continued my mistakes over the years. I divorced and lived with my son. Things got better for me. Then I had another baby. I know it upset my mother. I never meant to hurt her. I suck at being a single parent of two boys. I’ve had to have lots of help over the years. I became more and more dysfunctional over the years. I started having problems with my shoulder and arm. I went and had some tests done and was shocked to find out I had two herniated discs in my neck with nerve compression. I have two more herniated in my lower back. I was also told I had degenerative disc disease. After a while the pain was intense.Everyday life became harder. Poor mom to the rescue.
I have been a burden on my mother. I am deeply sorry for turning out this way. I have watched my mother grow as a person over the course of my lifetime. She started out as a stay at home mother to three girls. She went to school and became a LPN. She never stopped working or going to school. My mom is now a respected Nurse Practitioner. She made her life. She juggled three kids,a marriage,work and school. I can’t even get the parenting thing down. I am very proud of her. Her drive is amazing. She is kind to her patients and truly cares about them. I know it’s not easy having a dysfunctional, woman-child for a daughter. Mom loves me anyway. I embarrass her. She is private and I’m not. I’ve tried to tone it down some. I’m not always successful.
I love my mother with all my soul. She’s taught me so much. I don’t know where I’d be without her. It wouldn’t be anywhere good. The picture of Jason Voorhees and his mother fit my life. My mom is loving and accepting of me no matter how outlandish I look or act. I know this isn’t exactly what she planned for when I was born. Thank goodness for her that my sisters are normal. Somebody has to be different. Thank you Mom for being my safe passage in life. You have been my Constant in the midst of my madness and all the chaos that ensued. I am blessed to call you Mom.