Today I’ve been shaken. I happened upon a man in distress. His coworkers and a store employee were helping him. I got out of the car and knew he was in trouble. I yelled at my kid to go inside and call an ambulance.
I started CPR on him. I’d get him back for a moment or two then he’d leave me again. I didn’t give up. I kept working on him until Ems and first responders arrived. When they took over I started to cry. I never said a word. He died in my arms but I kept on with CPR.
You never know when you will be faced with someone’s life hanging in the balance. Will you stand on the other side of the tape or hurdle it to help a dying man? I cleared that tape and did what I had to do. I have found out this man was a very good person. He was a well respected officer in his community. I’m only sorry I couldn’t save him. Fate asked me to dance. I never say no.
June, 19th 2009 my oldest son turned 7. It was bittersweet. My best friend lost her battle with Breast Cancer at the age of 32. She left behind a husband and two young daughters. I miss her everyday. I wrote a eulogy and poem that I read at her funeral. I stood there like a statue. I never cried. I spilled my heart and had a seat next to my other best friend. I don’t take pride in myself much. That day I was proud that I offered comfort to others with my words and feelings. These words were for Regina.
My Eulogy for Regina Clark Peacock
“Some are born great, Some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.” -William Shakespeare
These are some of my favorite words that have ever been written. I stumbled across these yesterday and instantly their meaning became perfectly clear. I met Regina in high school and we became fast friends. It didn’t take long for me to figure out what an amazing person she was. Regina was considerate, kind and very nurturing. She kept me grounded as our personalities are total opposites. Her compassion for others made her stand out in a crowd.
Regina was a very spiritual person and I believe her positive attitude was a result of her faith. Her faith was never shaken during her illness as she remained strong until God called her home. I admire her determination and strong will. Regina never questioned her faith nor did she complain during her illness. I had the privilege of having the strongest woman I will ever know as my best friend. I shared in the joys and the pain and because of this I am a better person. Regina was born great and through her love and friendship greatness has been thrust upon me.
The day has come to set me free
I leave you now with little pieces of me
My journey hasn’t ended its’ only begun
The battle is over my peace has been won
Know that I love you and I’m never far away
Forever in your heart is where I’ll stay
It pains me to leave all that I love behind
God has called me home let this ease your troubled mind
Remember me in the good times and not the bad
Think of my love please don’t be sad
There will come a day when again you see my face
I wait for you in Heaven ready to share this beautiful place
I’m not who I once was. I’m a shell of my former self. I’ve come a long way in the last year. I’m stronger because of the changes I’ve made. It hasn’t been easy nor am I done with my transformation. I am trying to be the best me I can be. I wasn’t broken overnight so I can’t expect to be changed overnight.
I am fragile. I have feelings. You don’t need to tear down what I’ve already built. The damage left by the words you speak can’t be erased. Now I have to move past those things. Your opinion of me is not my business. My business is to learn not to care what you think. Go tear down someone else’s house. Mine is being rebuilt at the moment.
Something was stirred within my soul. Life was breathed into my tired heart. I felt it skip a beat with mention of a journey. Two hundred eighty-five miles away, your words melt my icy heart. I am no longer still. My mind is racing at the thought of you. So many times I’ve come close to hitting the road and finding you.
This game we play is a dangerous one. I walk the line of reality and fantasy. I’m in between a dream and a lie. The butterflies dance in my head. I’m drunk with my desire. My habit is you. I’m not well nor do I plan to overcome it.
So many times I think of you. Things get intense in my mind. It’s not the arena I’d hoped for but ’twas all I had. You are a dream yet you are real life. You awakened something within me. I can not silence my heart. Wait for me. I promise. I will be there soon.
I’ve been told I am a strong person. I’m told I can handle anything. I am unbreakable. LIES. I can put on one helluva show. Truth is I am weak. I am nothing more than a coward.
I’ve spent my life trying to cope with things beyond my control. I lose a little strength each time something bad happens. Truth is I don’t have very much left. I’m fresh out of bravery and courage. I’ve long since crumbled. I now hide behind a smile.
A year ago I felt myself weaken more than I thought possible. A series of events left me a shell of who I once was. I didn’t have anything left to give. I couldn’t pretend I was strong anymore. I had to admit I couldn’t take anymore pain. I left people to fend for themselves. I am ashamed of my weakness. I hate myself for becoming this way.
I lost my dog on a Monday. I was sick with grief. I never saw it coming. Next came the guilt. I was already preparing myself for my beloved Granny to leave this world. I was so broken that I couldn’t watch her go. I saw her that Tuesday after Jiminy died. She woke from her comatose state. She knew me and my boys. She was thrilled to see the boys. Her speech was jumbled. Sometimes she spoke clearly like I remembered. Then the pain came for her. I was sick. She was made comfortable. I couldn’t let my children see anymore. We said our good-byes. I knew it would be the last time we ever saw my grandmother alive. I could feel myself die a little as I walked out the door.
I couldn’t bring myself to watch the end. That Friday she was made comfortable and given medication to make the transition easier for her. I grateful she wasn’t in any pain. The few minutes I saw her suffer killed me. I was angry that I wasn’t there when my Papa left this world. It took me eight years to realize the universe was kind to me that day. I would not have ever gotten that out of my mind. I knew that if I watched my Granny take her last breath that I would be forever haunted with that image. I didn’t have the strength. I let her down.
I finally went to sleep that night. I sat straight up in the bed sometime after 2 am. I was gasping for air. I knew she was gone. My youngest woke up crying a few minutes later. I didn’t call anyone to confirm. I didn’t have to. I felt her leave. I know that some will never understand why I wasn’t there. If they could see the movie in my mind then they would understand. Every single horrible thing I’ve been witness to is burned in my mind. I’ve heard and seen some horrible things in my thirty-eight years. Every person I lost on a 911 call lives in my mind. All the people I could not save live in my mind. It’s crowed in there. I couldn’t see her like I see them. I’d never get it out of my mind.
I lost my best friend and my Granny in the same week. One year ago I lost control of my life. Two weeks later I’d had enough of the way I was living. I decided to take my life back. It’s not been easy. I still have terrible days. Sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed or leave the house. I do the best I can. I don’t know if I will ever be a strong person again. I can only hope to find strength when I need it.
It’s dark and deafening where I am. The silence is piercing my ears. I am lost. I can’t find my way back. In the darkness I am at home. I am lost but still I roam. I’m just this side of Heaven on the Outskirts of Hell. I don’t want anyone to join me there. This is my hell.
It hurts sometimes. Being myself isn’t easy. There isn’t much understanding or acceptance given to me. I give until I have nothing left. I’m all tapped out at the moment.