Sleep eludes me when my thoughts are many. I may never sleep at this rate. I’m so tired I can’t explain it. I’m tired to the core. My soul is exhausted from this past year. These past few months have really worked me over. Then everything changed.
I decided to take a chance on something. I have poured every bit of myself into this relationship. When I met him I knew it was right. I made the right decision and left my past mistakes behind. I was happy. I still am happy. But with me something usually goes wrong.
It was so easy to become wrapped up in him. I think about him constantly. He’s away so much and it’s hard. When he’s around I’m happy. I miss him when he’s gone. The problem is I have one speed. I don’t know slow. Especially if I am happy. I try to take it slow but with every day being uncertain I can’t afford to play it safe. That is problematic.
I got feelings and I knew I shouldn’t. I can’t really not feel. I really need a kill switch for my feelings. It would be helpful at times. Unfortunately now would be a good time. I’ve gotten myself so worked up that I can’t shut it off. Why must I worry about the things I can not control?
I believe that I have blown it. I’ve been over thinking everything. I know I drive him crazy because I need reassurance. I really am a mess. I’m hard to live with. I’m needy and it appears I’ve become clingy. I need to shut up half the time. Why am I blowing it? Because I want this to work .
I dreamed of one day having something that I never had. I look at him and it’s too good to be true. I’m so flawed and I have a laundry list of problems. It doesn’t change the fact that somewhere in my dreams I found him. He’s everything I ever wanted and need. I’ve never said that before and it is scary as hell. This whole thing is scary. I’ve put myself out there and I am taking the risk. I don’t know where I stand or how he feels. I’m terrified. When dreams become reality you forget how to breathe.