People say it’s easy to swallow that little pill. Those same people don’t know what it feels like after that little pill is metabolized by my body. I’ve never really told anyone how it makes me feel. It’s not magic nor is it beautiful. It comes at a price. All of this just so I don’t feel anxious every minute of every day. I take it so I’m not alone in the dark. I need it to sleep at night. I won’t burst into tears while driving alone in my car if I take my antidepressant. I don’t fear being abducted or assaulted if I swallow that little pink pill. For the pink pill silences my fears.
The little pink pill silences me
I can feel myself dying inside once the pink pill is coursing through my veins. The top of my head has a pressure that sends pulses to my body. Sometimes I can’t control the jerking of my arms and legs. My eyes twitch. My pupils become so large that my eyes appear black. The light in my eyes is gone. The window to my soul is closed. My head vibrates. All the things on my mind have left me. It’s blank. Just technical.
I can’t hear myself think anymore
I am a machine. I am precise. I have no emotion. I go through the motions. I have no feelings. I see life in High Definition but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb. Is this what it feels like to be dead? Because I can not even feel my own heart.
Is this what normal people feel? Am I normal now? I don’t like this level of feelings because they aren’t feelings. They aren’t anything. I can’t see the beautiful things in the midst of the dark. I can’t feel the pain of another human being. I don’t feel love. It’s gray. I never really cared for gray. There must be pain for happiness. Without the dark there can not be light. This is not my home.
I die a little bit everyday
My emotions are no longer raw. The intensity is gone. My voice is silenced. My creativity is lost. I feel nothing as I write this. How will I ever finish writing my book now that I am shut down? This is the price I pay to silence my fears. I’m not the same person after taking the little pink pill. My chemical romance has me slowly dying inside.