Time is a thief. It will sneak up behind you when you’re not looking and throw you nearly sixteen years into the future before you know it. There’s never enough time to fit in the things you want to do with your kids. You always let work or some other unimportant bullshit win. There’s always tomorrow you say until tomorrow doesn’t come.
Death doesn’t wait for anyone. It doesn’t care that you prioritized everything else over time with your child. Death will swoop in and take the purest and gentliest of souls in their slumber without a second thought and leave you breathless on the floor. That scream. I let out the scream you never want to hear. My soul cried out for my baby boy. The kind of sound that would make your blood run cold. I died inside at 1:43pm cst on August 20th, 2023.
How could this beautiful boy who I raised be gone? Why? He never got his learner’s permit. He won’t turn 16 next month. Instead of buying him a car and planning a party I’m planning a funeral and picking out a casket. I hate everything. I’m so angry and broken. He won’t go to the prom or graduate with his friends. We won’t get to travel once he graduates. We planned on packing up so I could do travel nursing and see the country. He deserved so much better.
I couldn’t be alone with my son at the hospital and I was devastated. I understand why but it was still soul crushing. Nobody should have to see their baby that way. God love my sister for the trauma she endured for him. I will never be able to repay that debt. I do know one thing. Nobody can ever hurt me again. The threshold has been breached.
Jude was one of a kind. He was kind, funny and quirky. He’d give you the shirt off of his back. He was smart too. He put up with a lot of hatefulness and ridiculous things from some kids. He wouldn’t stand up to them. I wish he would have. Everyone can’t be a size 5 and frankly it doesn’t matter. I taught him better than to insult people for their looks and such. He was a turn the other cheek kind of kid.
Where ever you are Jude I love you so much and I miss you like crazy. I keep waiting for you to walk through the door but I know you’re never coming home. I’m so sorry that I didn’t spend more time with you. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t have given you more. I worked too much and still fell short. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a better mother to you. You deserved the world. I did the best I could. I love you so much it hurts. I will never be the same.
Yes, I Have Gone Mad. 