Six Months in Hell

I can’t let you go. I see you everywhere I go. You are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My house is a ghost. I can’t breathe when I’m there. Your room is still the same. I am not. I’ve cracked and will never be mended. I watched them set your headstone. It was surreal. Everything is surreal now that you’re gone. The world kept on spinning as I stood still. I sleep with the light on now. I’m terrified of slipping further into my darkness. I was in shock for a while. I went through the motions for a long time just hoping to feel better. I don’t. I find myself redirecting thoughts of you like a suicidal ideation. I have to or the anguish over comes me. I will never be still. I keep bouncing hoping I will stick to something, anything to start over. Your dog still looks for you through the doorway anytime I speak your name. Hell I look for you in every crowd I see. I don’t think I will ever stop searching every face for that beautiful smile. I miss your laugh. I grieve everything that you would have been. I am angry. I want to punch the responsible party right in the nose. Beat the brakes off of him. It won’t bring you back. I want him to go to prison for murder. It won’t bring you back. I want to lie in bed all day and rot. It won’t bring you back. I’m left here to navigate a world without you. To be a mother without her child. To try and be a mother to an adult child who needs me to get my shit together. This is hell. Population one.

A Life Lived

Time is a thief. It will sneak up behind you when you’re not looking and throw you nearly sixteen years into the future before you know it. There’s never enough time to fit in the things you want to do with your kids. You always let work or some other unimportant bullshit win. There’s always tomorrow you say until tomorrow doesn’t come.

Death doesn’t wait for anyone. It doesn’t care that you prioritized everything else over time with your child. Death will swoop in and take the purest and gentliest of souls in their slumber without a second thought and leave you breathless on the floor. That scream. I let out the scream you never want to hear. My soul cried out for my baby boy. The kind of sound that would make your blood run cold. I died inside at 1:43pm cst on August 20th, 2023.

How could this beautiful boy who I raised be gone? Why? He never got his learner’s permit. He won’t turn 16 next month. Instead of buying him a car and planning a party I’m planning a funeral and picking out a casket. I hate everything. I’m so angry and broken. He won’t go to the prom or graduate with his friends. We won’t get to travel once he graduates. We planned on packing up so I could do travel nursing and see the country. He deserved so much better.

I couldn’t be alone with my son at the hospital and I was devastated. I understand why but it was still soul crushing. Nobody should have to see their baby that way. God love my sister for the trauma she endured for him. I will never be able to repay that debt. I do know one thing. Nobody can ever hurt me again. The threshold has been breached.

Jude was one of a kind. He was kind, funny and quirky. He’d give you the shirt off of his back. He was smart too. He put up with a lot of hatefulness and ridiculous things from some kids. He wouldn’t stand up to them. I wish he would have. Everyone can’t be a size 5 and frankly it doesn’t matter. I taught him better than to insult people for their looks and such. He was a turn the other cheek kind of kid.

Where ever you are Jude I love you so much and I miss you like crazy. I keep waiting for you to walk through the door but I know you’re never coming home. I’m so sorry that I didn’t spend more time with you. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t have given you more. I worked too much and still fell short. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a better mother to you. You deserved the world. I did the best I could. I love you so much it hurts. I will never be the same.

Another Goodbye

I never saw it coming

And really why should I? I was completely blind to the world around me. It was a wonderful feeling. Those few weeks I had with you. I felt alive. Mostly I felt happy. But it wouldn’t last. I was crushed when you dumped me.

First let me tell you about the happy part.

Once upon a lifetime ago we saw each other briefly. It didn’t work out for reasons that I understand. Sure I was sad about the way it worked out but I went on with my life. Sometimes you never get over it. You bury it until it comes back to haunt you. And haunt me it did. I came up with every excuse that I could possibly think of not to talk to you. I finally caved. I agreed to see you. I can’t put that part into words. It was good. I was happy.

Sometimes your baggage is too much for the other person.

There wasn’t a damn thing that I could do about it. You are gone and I am alone again. I don’t blame you even though it hurts. It’s been so hard trying to turn off the feelings. You flipped them off like a light switch. I’m still struggling. My world went silent and it’s hard to handle. We talked constantly. Now it’s nothing at all. I feel like I only make you mad if I do try to talk to you.

I feel empty and alone now that there are no more words spoken. How I miss the way you made me feel. It’s so hard to go from feeling on top of the world to nothing at all. I tell you that I miss you and you say nothing at all. You make it look so easy.

I was ready this time

There isn’t a moment that I don’t think of you. I have to chase you out of my mind and lock you out of my heart. It’s so hard to break a habit and you became one. I wish I’d done things different maybe you’d still be here.

One thing I do know is this I can’t take another goodbye from you. It hurts more every damn time.

Scattering Feelings on the Highway

     The woods are lovely, dark and deep,

      But I have promises to keep,

      And miles to go before I sleep,

      And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost

I find myself alone with my thoughts most every night. It gets loud inside my head.

They are the loudest while I’m driving in my car without another soul in sight. I alone with my thoughts on a lonely highway with no choice but to face the feelings. They pour out of my heart like the very blood that keeps me alive. I let them fall where the will. Until every thought, feeling, and memory are lying somewhere on a deserted road. I can breathe for now.

But those feelings won’t stay gone. I remember where I left them on the highway. I’ve scattered feelings from Virginia to Tennessee and The Carolinas. All over Hell and half of Georgia. West Virginia, Kentucky, Alabama, Mississippi and Florida. Everywhere I’ve been I’ve scattered my pain all over highways, bridges, toll roads, backroads and dirt roads. I’ve slung gravel and tears. I’ve traveled a lot of miles.

It’s not just the bad memories or hurt feelings. There were happy ones too. I left them because it hurt to remember when times were good. So off I go to free myself of more memories and hurt. Maybe one day I won’t need to let my worries fly out the windows in the middle of the night.

For now I’m scattering feelings all over some dark and lonely highway.

I Don’t Feel Better Though

If I had a quarter for every time someone told me that I’d feel better in the morning I’d be rich. Also, I would feel better. To be fair, I usually feel better with what’s weighing on my heart and mind after some sleep. Lately I haven’t felt better when I wake up. I feel worse.

I have to speak what’s weighing on my mind and heart. It’s the only way.

I asked him if he wasn’t happy with me anymore. My face burned while I waited for his answer. I knew it wasn’t good. He has honest. Talked about things that he’d brought up previously. I recognize those as factual. I admit to being negative and not a good communicator. I even admit to my issues with anxiety. If I could get a handle on my anxiety that be great. I’d love nothing more that to wipe dysthymia, major depressive episodes, and anxiety from my mind forever.

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted right now. I’m hurt. I blame myself. I’m the one with these dumbass diagnosis. My brain is different. That’s painfully obvious. I’m being myself and I gotta say no one wants to deal with that shit in a relationship. All the medicine and therapy won’t change this. My brain chemistry is altered. I’ve been this way since I was a child and it’s normal to me.

I’ve hurt people I love just being myself. I hate myself for it. I thought it would be easier as I got older. It’s much harder.

If I’ve ever hurt you know that I am sorry and it pains me to hurt the people I love.

I only wanted to love you in the best way I know how. I’m sorry I didn’t do a very good job and I hurt you.

I won’t feel better in the morning. It’s going to take a lot of time.

Let People Be Sad

I’ve often wondered why it’s so hard for some people to understand what it is be born with a sadness that is woven into the very fabric of your being. I didn’t ask to be made this way.

You take the hand you are dealt. It becomes tiring keeping up the facade of a life you will never know. You do it for them. They are so uncomfortable with your sadness. You are wrong for seeing the glass as half empty or expecting doom and gloom even when you are comparing it to something of happiness that you just learned from them.

People pick and choose the pieces of you they like the most and discard the ones that don’t quite fit the picture they want to see the most. You can’t fix me or dress me up in synthetic happiness and parade me around like you saved me from eternal damnation.

I am content in who I am even though you are not.Let people be sad. The sad are ok with it.

What’s In Your Head?

Between Beauty and Darkness

What’s in your head between the beauty and the darkness? Which side do you dwell? I teeter between them. I can see both sides ever so clearly. Every single day I’m right there in the middle helping people go from life to death. There is beauty on both sides. Some can’t see it. My perspective is different since I can see the pain and suffering on the side of the living. When one transitions to the side of death their pain and suffering have ended. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case since tragedy sometimes steals a beautiful young life. There is no preparation for this type of loss. It’s unfair and leads to much sorrow and sometimes anger. I’m not conditioned for this type of loss. Most people are not.

I carry them with me forever. A piece of them lives on with me.

I’ve come to know so many people. They come from every walk of life. Some are good people. Some where not. It doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is that someone cares about them. Nobody is perfect. I don’t think anyone should die alone. Make no mistake people will die on their own terms. If they don’t want you there then they will wait until you leave. Don’t feel guilty. They gave you the ultimate gift of love. They knew you so well and how you would feel about watching them take their last breath. They knew that you would never forget that moment and would forever hold on to that pain. They loved you enough to shield you of that pain. Sometimes you aren’t in the right place in life to let go. Don’t ever feel bad that you weren’t there when your person left this world. They know how much you loved them.

Sending Someone Home is Hard

I’ve seen some leave. I’ve held their hands. I’ve cried and told them to let go. I tell them to go to the place that they were happiest in their life. It’s their heaven. I finally accepted the fact that I can’t save everyone. I don’t know if I ever have. I can help people die. I can make them comfortable. I can give them love. Everyone deserves love. It doesn’t matter what wrong they’ve done. It’s not for me to judge. I can’t tell you how many times my voice was the last one they heard. It’s devastating at times but I tell myself it’s for the greater good.

I will love you till the end

When they go I try my best to send them off looking their best. They deserve to look good. Everything I do for them is out of love. When it’s time for them to leave I walk along. I help get them into the van. I don’t leave their side until that vehicle drives away. This is the last act of love and respect I can show them. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth it. I will never forget them. Any of them. They all had a lesson to teach me. It was never the same thing. Some of them were skills while others were personal growth lessons. I loved them all. I’m grateful for them. They accepted me for who I am. They saw me. They really saw the person I am. This has been a painful decision to make. I will miss my work. It’s become my life. Change is hard. Growth is painful. I will be back soon but this time I will be a nurse.

It’s never goodbye.

I will see you there

I love you all and I know every one of you watch out for me. Someday when I’m old I know they will come back for me. Until we meet again.

And Just Like That You Were Gone

It’s 4:56 am central standard time on a Saturday morning and I’m awake. I should be sleeping but instead I’m dealing with the unresolved. I have so many unresolved issues in my life and frankly I can’t stand them. They keep me awake at night. They chip away at my strength. They are like a cancer killing me slowly from the inside. I can’t keep this one inside anymore. It’s time.

I’m pulling the e-brake while driving 120 mph.

You’re going to hear what I have to say even if you don’t listen. You hurt me friend. You may not have intended to but you did. You just disappeared from my life. I’m mad as hell. I’m angry and sad and bitter all at once. How dare you come into my life and be my person then duck out on me. Who the hell are you? I trusted you. I thought you got me. Naw, you bailed. You slowly pulled away. Our friendship is on life support. Go ahead, sign a DNR.

I want to scream in your face and tell you exactly where to go.

None of it will make me feel better. Truth is I miss you. I miss taking to you. I miss hanging out. I miss having someone that cared. I miss your salty disposition. I appreciate your sense of humor. I miss your smile. I just miss you. Come back friend. I know you’ve been through it. I know the stress you go through. I know you’re tired. Your eyes always gave it away. I get it. Don’t shut me out.

I miss my friend. Come back soon.

Below Freezing

I’m frozen. Frozen in time. Frozen in a moment. Frozen in anguish just below the surface of my unforgiving skin. The hours pass yet I’m frozen in place. I can’t feel anything.

Numb. Just numb.

I’m blind in the midst of what I’ve created. I can not let my feelings show. Danger lurks all around me. Am I really the dangerous one though? My mind races without anywhere to go. What if I told you that I just don’t know?

Lost in the dark and fumbling for the door.

There’s no way out. No safe place for me. I run for the light only to find there is no more. My blood runs cold. Will I ever truly be free? I can’t forget that look of regret.

Conflicted and empty

I lost my way on the path of ruin. Oh but that ruin is such a beautiful place. Once you cross that line can you turn back? For the life of me I don’t know. I will close my eyes and hope for the best. I have no regrets only fear of what happens next. Either way I lose.

My Chemical Romance

People say it’s easy to swallow that little pill. Those same people don’t know what it feels like after that little pill is metabolized by my body. I’ve never really told anyone how it makes me feel. It’s not magic nor is it beautiful. It comes at a price. All of this just so I don’t feel anxious every minute of every day.  I take it so I’m not alone in the dark. I need it to sleep at night. I won’t burst into tears while driving alone in my car if I take my antidepressant. I don’t fear being abducted or assaulted if I swallow that little pink pill. For the pink pill silences my fears. 

The little pink pill silences me

I  can feel myself dying inside once the pink pill is coursing through my veins. The top of my head has a pressure that sends pulses to my body. Sometimes I can’t control the jerking of my arms and legs. My eyes twitch. My pupils become so large that my eyes appear black. The light in my eyes is gone. The window to my soul is closed. My head vibrates. All the things on my mind have left me. It’s blank. Just technical. 

I can’t hear myself think anymore

I am a machine. I am precise. I have no emotion. I go through the motions. I have no feelings. I see life in High Definition but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb. Is this what it feels like to be dead? Because I can not even feel my own heart.

Is this what normal people feel? Am I normal now? I don’t like this level of feelings because they aren’t feelings. They aren’t anything.  I can’t see the beautiful things in the midst of the dark. I can’t feel the pain of another human being. I don’t feel love. It’s gray. I never really cared for gray. There must be pain for happiness. Without the dark there can not be light. This is not my home. 

I die a little bit everyday

My emotions are no longer raw. The intensity is gone. My voice is silenced. My creativity is lost. I feel nothing as I write this. How will I ever finish writing my book now that I am shut down? This is the price I pay to silence my fears. I’m not the same person after taking the little pink pill. My chemical romance has me slowly dying inside.