I Don’t Feel Better Though

If I had a quarter for every time someone told me that I’d feel better in the morning I’d be rich. Also, I would feel better. To be fair, I usually feel better with what’s weighing on my heart and mind after some sleep. Lately I haven’t felt better when I wake up. I feel worse.

I have to speak what’s weighing on my mind and heart. It’s the only way.

I asked him if he wasn’t happy with me anymore. My face burned while I waited for his answer. I knew it wasn’t good. He has honest. Talked about things that he’d brought up previously. I recognize those as factual. I admit to being negative and not a good communicator. I even admit to my issues with anxiety. If I could get a handle on my anxiety that be great. I’d love nothing more that to wipe dysthymia, major depressive episodes, and anxiety from my mind forever.

I’m emotionally and physically exhausted right now. I’m hurt. I blame myself. I’m the one with these dumbass diagnosis. My brain is different. That’s painfully obvious. I’m being myself and I gotta say no one wants to deal with that shit in a relationship. All the medicine and therapy won’t change this. My brain chemistry is altered. I’ve been this way since I was a child and it’s normal to me.

I’ve hurt people I love just being myself. I hate myself for it. I thought it would be easier as I got older. It’s much harder.

If I’ve ever hurt you know that I am sorry and it pains me to hurt the people I love.

I only wanted to love you in the best way I know how. I’m sorry I didn’t do a very good job and I hurt you.

I won’t feel better in the morning. It’s going to take a lot of time.

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Let People Be Sad

I’ve often wondered why it’s so hard for some people to understand what it is be born with a sadness that is woven into the very fabric of your being. I didn’t ask to be made this way.

You take the hand you are dealt. It becomes tiring keeping up the facade of a life you will never know. You do it for them. They are so uncomfortable with your sadness. You are wrong for seeing the glass as half empty or expecting doom and gloom even when you are comparing it to something of happiness that you just learned from them.

People pick and choose the pieces of you they like the most and discard the ones that don’t quite fit the picture they want to see the most. You can’t fix me or dress me up in synthetic happiness and parade me around like you saved me from eternal damnation.

I am content in who I am even though you are not.Let people be sad. The sad are ok with it.

What’s In Your Head?

Between Beauty and Darkness

What’s in your head between the beauty and the darkness? Which side do you dwell? I teeter between them. I can see both sides ever so clearly. Every single day I’m right there in the middle helping people go from life to death. There is beauty on both sides. Some can’t see it. My perspective is different since I can see the pain and suffering on the side of the living. When one transitions to the side of death their pain and suffering have ended. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case since tragedy sometimes steals a beautiful young life. There is no preparation for this type of loss. It’s unfair and leads to much sorrow and sometimes anger. I’m not conditioned for this type of loss. Most people are not.

I carry them with me forever. A piece of them lives on with me.

I’ve come to know so many people. They come from every walk of life. Some are good people. Some where not. It doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is that someone cares about them. Nobody is perfect. I don’t think anyone should die alone. Make no mistake people will die on their own terms. If they don’t want you there then they will wait until you leave. Don’t feel guilty. They gave you the ultimate gift of love. They knew you so well and how you would feel about watching them take their last breath. They knew that you would never forget that moment and would forever hold on to that pain. They loved you enough to shield you of that pain. Sometimes you aren’t in the right place in life to let go. Don’t ever feel bad that you weren’t there when your person left this world. They know how much you loved them.

Sending Someone Home is Hard

I’ve seen some leave. I’ve held their hands. I’ve cried and told them to let go. I tell them to go to the place that they were happiest in their life. It’s their heaven. I finally accepted the fact that I can’t save everyone. I don’t know if I ever have. I can help people die. I can make them comfortable. I can give them love. Everyone deserves love. It doesn’t matter what wrong they’ve done. It’s not for me to judge. I can’t tell you how many times my voice was the last one they heard. It’s devastating at times but I tell myself it’s for the greater good.

I will love you till the end

When they go I try my best to send them off looking their best. They deserve to look good. Everything I do for them is out of love. When it’s time for them to leave I walk along. I help get them into the van. I don’t leave their side until that vehicle drives away. This is the last act of love and respect I can show them. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth it. I will never forget them. Any of them. They all had a lesson to teach me. It was never the same thing. Some of them were skills while others were personal growth lessons. I loved them all. I’m grateful for them. They accepted me for who I am. They saw me. They really saw the person I am. This has been a painful decision to make. I will miss my work. It’s become my life. Change is hard. Growth is painful. I will be back soon but this time I will be a nurse.

It’s never goodbye.

I will see you there

I love you all and I know every one of you watch out for me. Someday when I’m old I know they will come back for me. Until we meet again.

And Just Like That You Were Gone

It’s 4:56 am central standard time on a Saturday morning and I’m awake. I should be sleeping but instead I’m dealing with the unresolved. I have so many unresolved issues in my life and frankly I can’t stand them. They keep me awake at night. They chip away at my strength. They are like a cancer killing me slowly from the inside. I can’t keep this one inside anymore. It’s time.

I’m pulling the e-brake while driving 120 mph.

You’re going to hear what I have to say even if you don’t listen. You hurt me friend. You may not have intended to but you did. You just disappeared from my life. I’m mad as hell. I’m angry and sad and bitter all at once. How dare you come into my life and be my person then duck out on me. Who the hell are you? I trusted you. I thought you got me. Naw, you bailed. You slowly pulled away. Our friendship is on life support. Go ahead, sign a DNR.

I want to scream in your face and tell you exactly where to go.

None of it will make me feel better. Truth is I miss you. I miss taking to you. I miss hanging out. I miss having someone that cared. I miss your salty disposition. I appreciate your sense of humor. I miss your smile. I just miss you. Come back friend. I know you’ve been through it. I know the stress you go through. I know you’re tired. Your eyes always gave it away. I get it. Don’t shut me out.

I miss my friend. Come back soon.

Below Freezing

I’m frozen. Frozen in time. Frozen in a moment. Frozen in anguish just below the surface of my unforgiving skin. The hours pass yet I’m frozen in place. I can’t feel anything.

Numb. Just numb.

I’m blind in the midst of what I’ve created. I can not let my feelings show. Danger lurks all around me. Am I really the dangerous one though? My mind races without anywhere to go. What if I told you that I just don’t know?

Lost in the dark and fumbling for the door.

There’s no way out. No safe place for me. I run for the light only to find there is no more. My blood runs cold. Will I ever truly be free? I can’t forget that look of regret.

Conflicted and empty

I lost my way on the path of ruin. Oh but that ruin is such a beautiful place. Once you cross that line can you turn back? For the life of me I don’t know. I will close my eyes and hope for the best. I have no regrets only fear of what happens next. Either way I lose.

My Chemical Romance

People say it’s easy to swallow that little pill. Those same people don’t know what it feels like after that little pill is metabolized by my body. I’ve never really told anyone how it makes me feel. It’s not magic nor is it beautiful. It comes at a price. All of this just so I don’t feel anxious every minute of every day.  I take it so I’m not alone in the dark. I need it to sleep at night. I won’t burst into tears while driving alone in my car if I take my antidepressant. I don’t fear being abducted or assaulted if I swallow that little pink pill. For the pink pill silences my fears. 

The little pink pill silences me

I  can feel myself dying inside once the pink pill is coursing through my veins. The top of my head has a pressure that sends pulses to my body. Sometimes I can’t control the jerking of my arms and legs. My eyes twitch. My pupils become so large that my eyes appear black. The light in my eyes is gone. The window to my soul is closed. My head vibrates. All the things on my mind have left me. It’s blank. Just technical. 

I can’t hear myself think anymore

I am a machine. I am precise. I have no emotion. I go through the motions. I have no feelings. I see life in High Definition but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb. Is this what it feels like to be dead? Because I can not even feel my own heart.

Is this what normal people feel? Am I normal now? I don’t like this level of feelings because they aren’t feelings. They aren’t anything.  I can’t see the beautiful things in the midst of the dark. I can’t feel the pain of another human being. I don’t feel love. It’s gray. I never really cared for gray. There must be pain for happiness. Without the dark there can not be light. This is not my home. 

I die a little bit everyday

My emotions are no longer raw. The intensity is gone. My voice is silenced. My creativity is lost. I feel nothing as I write this. How will I ever finish writing my book now that I am shut down? This is the price I pay to silence my fears. I’m not the same person after taking the little pink pill. My chemical romance has me slowly dying inside.


Look What You’ve Done 

I gave you everything I had. I would have done anything for you. You took me for granted. I was alone most of the time. I had to beg for your time and attention. You broke me once. I was stupid to ever let you back in my life.

You made me feel like I was less than myself.  I wasn’t worth anything to you. I  have so much hate in my heart because of you. I let you see the real me. I regret every minute of it. You only wanted me when it was convenient for you.  I gave in everytime. I am completely insane for letting you do this to me.

I am done. I  can’t do it anymore.  I loved you even though you never loved me. I won’t let you control my emotions again. The bad outweighed the good in the relationship. I wouldn’t give up. I have now.

I am so much better off without you. I deserve to have the same love I give. I see it now. I’d rather live my life alone than go through the pain you caused me. I let you do these things. I won’t allow it to happen again. I know who I am.  I’ve come a long way. I am worth so much more than I ever knew. I don’t regret my decision. 
You won’t ever destroy me again.

I’m a motherfuckin survivor. 

  Don’t you ever forget it.

Silence 

Silence. That’s what I’m left with. I really don’t know what I did to deserve the gift that keeps on giving. This gift of constant worry and unrest is not what I want or deserve. I guess it’s easier than going over what I did wrong. Maybe it is for you. 

I’m a little hurt by your disappearance. Anything could have happened to you. My mind has given me plenty of scenarios to mill over. Truth is you just decided to stop talking to me. I’m not really sure why at this point. I suppose it doesn’t matter. 

The thing that always stuck in the back of my mind when it came to you was clearly spot on due to recent developments. 

“If it seems too good to be true then it probably is.”

No more fairy tales for me.

It’s a shame really. I enjoyed the fantasy. Reality calls. Disappointment suits me better.

Burn

fire

I invited you in
Shared all of my sins
I’ve been through hell
It’s not hard to tell

You see past the demons in me
For once in my life I feel free
I have no more qualms
You fill me with an inner calm

The way you make me feel
This can not possibly be real
Maybe it’s only a beautiful dream
Things aren’t always as they seem

I’m on fire from the inside out
Because of you I have no doubt
It is for you that I yearn
I am content to burn

Erasing You

Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.

 

slip

Last night I lie awake for hours. All the memories played in my mind like a movie on a continuous loop. I was overcome with sadness and I finally broke down. I cried for the first time since he let me go.The tears fell like the rains of a tropical storm. My soul wept. I spoke with a friend for sometime to ease my pain. I still don’t understand why it turned out this way. I never will.

He found me in the dark and brought me out in the light. I fought so long to not get involved with him. I lost that fight. Happiness became me as I let him in. He saw me. The real me. My demons remained though silenced by his presence. Could it be that maybe I’d found someone worth giving my heart to? I thought so. Things were good. I got comfortable and let my guard down. I fell too fast too soon. I would regret it soon.

I ignored the red flags and warning signs that my relationship was doomed. He didn’t have the same feelings I did. It was easy to figure out. We didn’t talk as much. He had other things to do. I rarely saw him and it hurt. I stuck it out when I should have ended it. Things got better. We made plans. I was hopeful.

When you are with someone you never think that it will be the last time you see them. I played that night over and over in my mind. We talked a lot that next day. Still things were good. The next day after a disagreement I was met with silence for days. I could never get an answer to my question about what was going on with us. Finally after a week he said he didn’t have time for me anymore. That’s all I got. I was angry.

I deleted every picture I had of him. I deleted his number and unfriended him on social media. I was pissed off because I deserved a real answer. I won’t ever get it. I’m good at reading between the lines though. I meant nothing to him. He wasn’t happy. I can accept these things. I just think it should have went down much different.

If I had it to do over again I would have said no. I wouldn’t have made an eleven-hundred mile trip in two days to see him. I wouldn’t have let him in. I wouldn’t have wasted 3 months on someone who didn’t want to be with me. I would have saved myself the heartache of wondering why my best wasn’t good enough. I should have left him alone.

I’m moving on with my life. I’m having to break the habit of thinking about you. I hope that each day a little bit of you leaves my mind. I don’t want to remember you. It’s much easier that way. Erasing you from me will set me free.