Look What You’ve Done 

I gave you everything I had. I would have done anything for you. You took me for granted. I was alone most of the time. I had to beg for your time and attention. You broke me once. I was stupid to ever let you back in my life.

You made me feel like I was less than myself.  I wasn’t worth anything to you. I  have so much hate in my heart because of you. I let you see the real me. I regret every minute of it. You only wanted me when it was convenient for you.  I gave in everytime. I am completely insane for letting you do this to me.

I am done. I  can’t do it anymore.  I loved you even though you never loved me. I won’t let you control my emotions again. The bad outweighed the good in the relationship. I wouldn’t give up. I have now.

I am so much better off without you. I deserve to have the same love I give. I see it now. I’d rather live my life alone than go through the pain you caused me. I let you do these things. I won’t allow it to happen again. I know who I am.  I’ve come a long way. I am worth so much more than I ever knew. I don’t regret my decision. 
You won’t ever destroy me again.

I’m a motherfuckin survivor. 

  Don’t you ever forget it.

Silence 

Silence. That’s what I’m left with. I really don’t know what I did to deserve the gift that keeps on giving. This gift of constant worry and unrest is not what I want or deserve. I guess it’s easier than going over what I did wrong. Maybe it is for you. 

I’m a little hurt by your disappearance. Anything could have happened to you. My mind has given me plenty of scenarios to mill over. Truth is you just decided to stop talking to me. I’m not really sure why at this point. I suppose it doesn’t matter. 

The thing that always stuck in the back of my mind when it came to you was clearly spot on due to recent developments. 

“If it seems too good to be true then it probably is.”

No more fairy tales for me.

It’s a shame really. I enjoyed the fantasy. Reality calls. Disappointment suits me better.

Burn

fire

I invited you in
Shared all of my sins
I’ve been through hell
It’s not hard to tell

You see past the demons in me
For once in my life I feel free
I have no more qualms
You fill me with an inner calm

The way you make me feel
This can not possibly be real
Maybe it’s only a beautiful dream
Things aren’t always as they seem

I’m on fire from the inside out
Because of you I have no doubt
It is for you that I yearn
I am content to burn

Erasing You

Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.

 

slip

Last night I lie awake for hours. All the memories played in my mind like a movie on a continuous loop. I was overcome with sadness and I finally broke down. I cried for the first time since he let me go.The tears fell like the rains of a tropical storm. My soul wept. I spoke with a friend for sometime to ease my pain. I still don’t understand why it turned out this way. I never will.

He found me in the dark and brought me out in the light. I fought so long to not get involved with him. I lost that fight. Happiness became me as I let him in. He saw me. The real me. My demons remained though silenced by his presence. Could it be that maybe I’d found someone worth giving my heart to? I thought so. Things were good. I got comfortable and let my guard down. I fell too fast too soon. I would regret it soon.

I ignored the red flags and warning signs that my relationship was doomed. He didn’t have the same feelings I did. It was easy to figure out. We didn’t talk as much. He had other things to do. I rarely saw him and it hurt. I stuck it out when I should have ended it. Things got better. We made plans. I was hopeful.

When you are with someone you never think that it will be the last time you see them. I played that night over and over in my mind. We talked a lot that next day. Still things were good. The next day after a disagreement I was met with silence for days. I could never get an answer to my question about what was going on with us. Finally after a week he said he didn’t have time for me anymore. That’s all I got. I was angry.

I deleted every picture I had of him. I deleted his number and unfriended him on social media. I was pissed off because I deserved a real answer. I won’t ever get it. I’m good at reading between the lines though. I meant nothing to him. He wasn’t happy. I can accept these things. I just think it should have went down much different.

If I had it to do over again I would have said no. I wouldn’t have made an eleven-hundred mile trip in two days to see him. I wouldn’t have let him in. I wouldn’t have wasted 3 months on someone who didn’t want to be with me. I would have saved myself the heartache of wondering why my best wasn’t good enough. I should have left him alone.

I’m moving on with my life. I’m having to break the habit of thinking about you. I hope that each day a little bit of you leaves my mind. I don’t want to remember you. It’s much easier that way. Erasing you from me will set me free.

 

Somewhere In My Dreams

Sleep eludes me when my thoughts are many. I may never sleep at this rate. I’m so tired I can’t explain it. I’m tired to the core. My soul is exhausted from this past year. These past few months have really worked me over. Then everything changed. 

I decided to take a chance on something. I have poured every bit of myself into this relationship. When I met him I knew it was right. I made the right decision and left my past mistakes behind. I was happy. I still am happy. But with me something usually goes wrong.

It was so easy to become wrapped up in him. I think about him constantly. He’s away so much and it’s hard. When he’s around I’m happy. I miss him when he’s gone. The problem is I have one speed. I don’t know slow. Especially if I am happy. I try to take it slow but with every day being uncertain I can’t afford to play it safe. That is problematic.

I got feelings and I knew I shouldn’t. I can’t really not feel. I really need a kill switch for my feelings. It would be helpful at times. Unfortunately now would be a good time. I’ve gotten myself so worked up that I can’t shut it off. Why must I worry about the things I can not control?

I believe that I have blown it. I’ve been over thinking everything. I know I drive him crazy because I need reassurance. I really am a mess. I’m hard to live with. I’m needy and it appears I’ve become clingy. I need to shut up half the time. Why am I blowing it? Because I want this to work .

I dreamed of one day having something that I never had. I look at him and it’s too good to be true. I’m so flawed and I have a laundry list of problems. It doesn’t change the fact that somewhere in my dreams I found him. He’s everything I ever wanted and need. I’ve never said that before and it is scary as hell. This whole thing is scary. I’ve put myself out there and I am taking the risk. I don’t know where I stand or how he feels. I’m terrified. When dreams become reality you forget how to breathe.

Unwritten Letters: Dearest Stepson

Dearest Stepson,
    I know that I have been silent. I cannot find the words. I suppose that I am in shock. My heart is breaking for you and broken for your girlfriend and her family. I cannot possibly fathom what you are going through. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be strung out on heroin. I cannot imagine things in my life so terrible, that turning to drugs seemed like a welcome escape. I cannot imagine the horror at learning ‘those friends’ in your inner circle went and got your girlfriend hooked on heroin. I cannot comprehend the need for ‘sustaining’ the heroin in both of your systems so as to avoid the sickness. I cannot imagine the guilt you must be feeling from providing her what would turn out to be her fatal dose. I cannot wrap my mind around the depth of you grief. Finding, upon waking, the girl you that you had fallen in love with, cold and lifeless in her bed beside you. The horror at not being able to rouse her, and upon further discovery, finding her really and truly dead, and all that encompasses. DEAD from the drugs you provided. I cannot
Imagine having to run upstairs and tell her mother that she was dead.

I want to scream,”We told you, begged you to stop, and now …” Well this is what happens in the life of a junkie. This is the heroin lifestyle. If you play with fire, you are going to get burned. I just wish you weren’t smack dab in the middle of the fire. I am heartbroken that you are on this path. I pray that you are not charged with her death, but at the same time, is this what it will take to save you? To get you clean? Or will this be the catalyst that makes you take your own life? Will you take the life of the boys that began her addiction? Will your life end before it should, by your own hand or by the hands of the boys who swore that they were going to kill you to avenge her death? I am afraid that your heroin induced haze and thoughts of revenge is going to cause yet another tragedy. Let it stop here. Let it end now.

I am sorry that her father punched you at the funeral, in the midst of your incomprehensible grief. I would love to wrap my arms around you and hug you so tight, and tell you it is all going to be okay. But alas, I cannot. Because it is not all just going to magically be ‘okay’ ever again. Heroin has led you on this journey, down this path, and you made that choice. You are a legal adult and a grown man. Hugs won’t dix this. Now unfortunately, you must face the consequences of your actions, whatever they may be. Jail time, death, grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, depression, denial, and whatever other feelings are involved in the knowledge that you directly contributed to the heroin overdose and death of your girlfriend.

I assume that you knew that the heroin was laced with propofol? You stated that you should have stayed awake to make sure she woke up. What the actual fuck? You are smarter than this son! You were going to be a veterinarian or a pharmacist! I just want
To smack some sense into you. But  I wouldn’t because I am afraid that it wouldn’t do any good. I am afraid this drug has it’s claws into you so deep that if this senseless tragedy doesn’t smack you into rehab, that nothing ever will. Nothing I can say will make any difference.

I just want to yell and scream why my sweet boy? And the answer is already known. You became hooked on heroin when you stopped dealing. When your maternal side of the family pulled some strings to keep you out of jail before, you were never held accountable for your actions. You got off with a felony and no jail time. For
Dealing. And you never had to pay the piper. You decided dealing drugs on our streets was faster, quicker, lazier way of making lots of money. And in the aftermath of that glorious disaster, you turned to heroin. And it became your best friend. A cold, callous, non forgiving friend who loves you and leaves you, and  eventually took that which you loved most in all the world, your girlfriend. Heroin always gets hers. You always pay the piper. I hope you choose rehab and sobriety. I hope you choose life. I hope you learn from this experience that eventually we are all held accountable. My heart is breaking for you and there is nothing I can do. I did not wish this for you. I want you to know that I love you. In spite of everything that has happened , I still love you. I always have and I always will.

Love ,
     Your Stepmother
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Unread Letters

Dear ______,

I can’t ever say what I’m thinking without butchering it. It always sounds better in my head. Somehow the words get lost in translation and I am misunderstood. My written words capture my heart perfectly. This heart is tired from constantly giving and rarely getting anything back. It’s just exhausting to care so deeply for others. It’s my curse.

I don’t know that I will ever give you this letter. Maybe I shouldn’t pour my soul out onto this page for you to see. Will you even see me? Do you have any idea who I really am? I’m not certain that I know myself anymore. I’ve clawed my way back from the bottom more than once. I may have put myself there a time or two. I’ve let my own mind destroy me. Sickness stole my joy. Depression left me crippled. I came back. I’m not who I want to be. I’m spread too thin. I’m a terrible mother and a horrible friend. I want to be better. Truth is that I can’t do all the things I need to at once.

I don’t know how much of my dysfunction you can handle. My sadness is overwhelming at times. I’m moody and angry for no good reason. I’m afraid of everything and of nothing all at once. I’m a damn mess. You should run away. I’m no good for you or anyone else. The kindness I have for others completely hides the hate I harbor for myself. It’s hell being me. I’m not easy to love nor am I easy to deal with. I’m so complex. It’s ridiculous. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m broken.

I’m not who you think I am. The ugly will start to bleed through eventually. I don’t want you to care about me. God forbid you fall in love with me. I will destroy you. I will shut down. I don’t know when I will come back to you. I am damaged beyond repair. It pains me to admit the worst of myself. I can’t lie to you. I won’t. You need to know there is a darkness that won’t leave me. I don’t know if it ever will. This is me. There is beauty in the darkness. I am living proof.

-B

I Can’t Flipping Breathe

                               Tell me what’s worse than this

“Lydia” by Highly Suspect is my theme song at the moment. This song screams in my head. It’s haunting and slightly dark. My frustrations are many and my patience has grown thin. I’m exhausted. I’m angry. I shouldn’t be angry.

                                            I can’t believe

I can’t write anymore. The words have left me. None of this makes sense to me. I’m angry that I can’t turn my feelings into meaning anymore. My exhaustion comes from caring for others. It’s draining to give so much of yourself. I chose this. I quickly realized that I need to get back what I give out. It is emotionally exhausting to be kind all the time.

                               But at my best, I am the worst

I am giving it my all. I’m pushing through the pain. I’m running on empty. I keep moving because people depend on me. Then I realize I’m giving myself too much credit. I am not solely responsible for everything. I don’t make a difference. I am only one person. I don’t matter in the scheme of things. It’s all for nothing. Nobody cares what I do.

                           Your Eyes Are Lined In Pain 

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My eyes tell the tale. I can’t hide anything. If you want to know something just look at them and you will know if something is wrong. Lately the story my eyes tell is one of fatigue. The story is full of self doubt and guilt. My eyes are sad because I don’t have much time with my kids. They are growing up while I’m at work. I miss them. My eyes seem empty because I have nothing left to give. I give everything of myself to others. Those dark circles and bags some people like to make fun are a lack of sleep and a whole lot of worry. I don’t need eyeliner since my eyes are lined in pain and black tears don’t hide in rain.

                                          I Can’t Breathe

I wake up in the middle of the night and can’t breathe. The nightmares are crippling. I can’t go back to sleep. I leave the light on. I’m not afraid of the dark. I’m afraid of what the dark brings. My chest is tight all the time from constant worry. I just can’t stop. I worry about everything. I wonder why nothing I do will ever be good enough for some people. I’m too hard on myself. It’s brutal. So I push on. I let it build. This goes on for days and days. It gets harder and harder to cope with everyday. I try to smile. I push it back and keep moving. I work sick. I work on 3-5 hours of sleep. Sometimes I don’t eat. Then I get hangry. I’m really sorry if I’ve come at you when I’m hangry. It can get ugly. It keeps building until I can’t take it anymore and I lose my religion.

 

                I CAN’T FLIPPING BREATHE

I am compelled to yell this part of the song. It helps me release my pent up aggression. I guess the point of this whole piece is that I carry way too much.  I need to talk more. I have such a hard time getting this out of my system. It’s stupid because I feel better once it is out. Maybe I will sleep tonight since I confessed my sins. I can dream.

Only Then Can You See

It starts slowly.

I needed something. I craved the understanding. I wanted fun. I was tired of hiding inside. I was always alone. I’d trusted all the wrong people. I suck when it comes to people. I can’t give up on anyone. I’ve learned I need to leave more. I reconnected with an old friend from school. This was the best decision I’ve made in a while.

It grows with every passing day.

One day I asked if I could help him work on a car. I needed to learn more. I’m a crappy mechanic but I love cars. I’ve learned so much from him. He’s a great teacher and he’s patient when I screw up. Let’s be honest here. I could tear up a brick wall with a spork. I’m a walking disaster. I don’t have any luck. If I touch it then odds are it will break. I’m cursed. True story.

I found my church

I got my life spending time under the hood of a car. One day I was under the car changing out the air compressor. It was 100 degrees outside. My hair was caked with refrigerant. I had grease from head to toe. I was covered in sweat. I smiled the entire time. I was doing it. The best part was someone believed in me. I needed that more than anything. I found my place and my people. My church isn’t brick and mortar. It’s a driveway with cars and tools. The people there get me. I go to church often because it gives me peace.

I started feeling confused.

The lines began to blur. I couldn’t understand why I suddenly started feeling things like jealousy and confusion in certain situations. I was less than thrilled at the mention of another woman’s’ name. I never let it show. It was normal to hide my feelings so this was cake. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship so I silenced that voice in my head. I told myself it was natural and it would pass. I knew things would be normal soon. I was wrong. I couldn’t shake the feelings I developed for him.

Then in the midst of chaos everything became clear.

We were at the wrong place at the wrong time. A group of people came out of nowhere and attacked a man. We had gotten caught in the middle of the insanity. At one point they started to threaten us. I would have beat them down had anyone touched him. After it was over we got in the car and I saw him in a different light. I had a case of the feels. I said nothing. My mind was a wreck. The next day I became angered when he was mistreated by someone. It was hard to keep my mouth shut. I tried to save face so I left.

I was miserable and full of conflict. The peace was gone.

I stewed over my feelings. I pushed them deep inside. They bubbled to the top almost instantly. I was full of turmoil. I could not just leave it alone. I was subtle with my approach. After a few minutes of going back and forth with him he understood what I was saying. I felt relieved. It didn’t last long. It was time to twist the knife.

Friend zoned? Wait. My best friend just friend zoned me.

I thought I might fall over dead. The pain in my chest was crushing me. I could not breathe. The one person in the world that accepted me for who I am just banished me to the friend zone. I died a little at that moment. I couldn’t be around him. It was too painful. I had to get over my heart being crushed. I told him I would not see him for a while. I meant forever. I went silent. My car decided to die shortly after. It was fitting. Things got dark.

I was in a daze and constant state of sadness.

I cried the entire time I tried to fix my car. I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t fix it either. I was finished. I threw every tool I owned into the field. I slung my toolbox and car battery. The field looked like a car parts store threw up there. I posted on Facebook letting people know I was finished with cars and they were welcome to come pick up my collection of junk and take it home. I can’t recall when we started texting. He wanted to look at my car and I said no. I finally caved. I just didn’t feel like he was the same person. His tone of voice when he friend zoned me was haunting.

Nothing was the same anymore. I ruined the best thing I had in my life.

He helped me figure out what was wrong with the car. We took a trip to the junk yard for an alternator. It was weird but I ignored it. Nothing went right when it came to this car. The part didn’t work. The car wasn’t fixed. He had to take me home. I wasn’t sure about anything any more. I was about to get out of the car. He motioned for me to get closer so he could hug me. Imagine my surprise when he kissed me. It may have been fifteen minutes or it could have been an eternity. I know for certain I couldn’t feel my toes. I was dizzy and clearly disoriented for a moment. I never saw that coming in a million years. This was special. This was unlike any kiss I’d ever experienced before. My entire life changed in a matter of moments.

I was finally ready to see things for what they were.

It took me most of my 39 years to open my eyes. My life has been on huge learning experience. I’ve lost my way more than I care to tell you. I’ve been stupid. I’ve been selfish. I’ve chased so many dead ends. I’ve used my problems as a crutch for many years. It took a dream for me to realize I would never get anywhere until I let everything go. My sweet Big Mama came to me in a dream. She asked me when I was going to stop using my problems as an excuse not to be happy and successful. She was right. I was wasting my time and only hurting myself. The next morning I felt peace. I was finally ready to see. Just like that everything fell into place. I have a relationship with someone who loves and appreciates me. He understands me. That’s not an easy task. I’m happy and I feel secure. In a few days I will graduate from a CNA program. This is huge for me. I wasted so much time and didn’t finish college. I haven’t graduated from anything in twenty-one years. I enjoy caring for people. I can finally have a job that leaves me fulfilled. Life is good when you are finally ready to see things as they are.

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He Had A Gun. I Drove For My Life

Christmas Day 1999, Small Town, USA.

I grew up in a sleepy little town. The town was on one side of the road and the railroad tracks owned the other side. The population was around 1500 back then. Everyone knew each other or they knew your “people”. More than once a complete stranger would ask me if I was a Glassco. Our dark eyes weren’t easy to forget.

I left my home in 1998. I moved to the city. I couldn’t be there anymore after the death of my boyfriend. I needed a new start. I came home often. I missed my family and friends. I loved Nashville though.

I was home for Christmas. I had gone to a late movie that night with a friend. I was in the next town. I left the movie theater and dropped my friend off. There wasn’t anyone in town. It was unusually warm from what I remember. It was sometime after 11pm. I had my sunroof open and my windows down. I was in my world where it was safe. I got caught by every red light in town. I’d sit there enveloped in one of my daydreams. That was until I stopped at the next red light.

I noticed a car coming to a stop on my right. It was the first car I’d seen on the four lane road since I left the movie. I glanced over out of habit. There were four guys in the car. One looked familiar. I waved at them. It’s something I do. It’s common in the sticks to give a finger wave to the complete stranger that you meet on the roadway. It’s just a country thing I guess.

I quickly realized I didn’t know any of these guys. They started yelling. I politely smiled as the light turned green. I got to the next light and of course it turned red. They were beside me. They kept yelling at me to pull over. I shook my head and said no. I rolled up the windows. The light turned green and I drove. The yelling continued as we drove to the next light. This time when the light caught us my stomach turned. The driver was hanging out of the window. He yelled “Pull the Mother F*ckin car over now.” I held my breath. I could see movement out of the corner of my eye. The passenger in the back pulled a gun from his jacket and waved it around as he ordered me to pull over.

This is the part where I realized what it meant to “bring a knife to a gun fight”.

I look at the red light and floored my brand New Plymouth Neon. I closed the sunroof and then put both hands on the steering wheel. I had the pedal to the floor. I knew I was in trouble. I know cars. They had a much bigger engine and they would catch up quickly. They flew up beside me. I topped the hill at 120 mph. That was as fast as she would go. Did I mention this was a 30 mph zone? I prayed to get pulled over or see another car. All I saw were tail lights as they blew past me.

I knew what was coming. They were going to force me to stop.

They got over in my lane and hit the brakes and locked it up. The rear end of their car went left the right. When the rear end went left again the car turned sideways in front of me. I had let off the gas to anticipate their next move. They were sideways so I put the pedal to the floor and hit the turn lane. The driver couldn’t correct the spin. The car wrapped around a telephone pole as I watched and flew past them. I couldn’t breathe.

I did 120 mph for the next 7 miles. I was terrified that they were coming after me. I wasn’t rational. The car was demolished. I went straight to the police station but no one was there. I went home. I stayed in my car for and hour. I was shaking. I wouldn’t go inside until I knew my family was safe.

I laid there in the dark the rest of the night. I finally closed my eyes at first light. Things like this weren’t suppose to happen close to home. I didn’t know these guys. Why did they want to hurt me? I was a good person. I even felt bad that I left them in the wreckage. They pulled a gun on me. They wanted to kill me or worse. Christmas Day has never been the same. The magic is lost for me. He could have pulled the trigger at the red light. I was 22 years old. Bad things happen and open your eyes to the depravity of some. I got lucky one Christmas night. My gift was life. I drove like hell to keep it.