And Just Like That You Were Gone

It’s 4:56 am central standard time on a Saturday morning and I’m awake. I should be sleeping but instead I’m dealing with the unresolved. I have so many unresolved issues in my life and frankly I can’t stand them. They keep me awake at night. They chip away at my strength. They are like a cancer killing me slowly from the inside. I can’t keep this one inside anymore. It’s time.

I’m pulling the e-brake while driving 120 mph.

You’re going to hear what I have to say even if you don’t listen. You hurt me friend. You may not have intended to but you did. You just disappeared from my life. I’m mad as hell. I’m angry and sad and bitter all at once. How dare you come into my life and be my person then duck out on me. Who the hell are you? I trusted you. I thought you got me. Naw, you bailed. You slowly pulled away. Our friendship is on life support. Go ahead, sign a DNR.

I want to scream in your face and tell you exactly where to go.

None of it will make me feel better. Truth is I miss you. I miss taking to you. I miss hanging out. I miss having someone that cared. I miss your salty disposition. I appreciate your sense of humor. I miss your smile. I just miss you. Come back friend. I know you’ve been through it. I know the stress you go through. I know you’re tired. Your eyes always gave it away. I get it. Don’t shut me out.

I miss my friend. Come back soon.

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Below Freezing

I’m frozen. Frozen in time. Frozen in a moment. Frozen in anguish just below the surface of my unforgiving skin. The hours pass yet I’m frozen in place. I can’t feel anything.

Numb. Just numb.

I’m blind in the midst of what I’ve created. I can not let my feelings show. Danger lurks all around me. Am I really the dangerous one though? My mind races without anywhere to go. What if I told you that I just don’t know?

Lost in the dark and fumbling for the door.

There’s no way out. No safe place for me. I run for the light only to find there is no more. My blood runs cold. Will I ever truly be free? I can’t forget that look of regret.

Conflicted and empty

I lost my way on the path of ruin. Oh but that ruin is such a beautiful place. Once you cross that line can you turn back? For the life of me I don’t know. I will close my eyes and hope for the best. I have no regrets only fear of what happens next. Either way I lose.

My Chemical Romance

People say it’s easy to swallow that little pill. Those same people don’t know what it feels like after that little pill is metabolized by my body. I’ve never really told anyone how it makes me feel. It’s not magic nor is it beautiful. It comes at a price. All of this just so I don’t feel anxious every minute of every day.  I take it so I’m not alone in the dark. I need it to sleep at night. I won’t burst into tears while driving alone in my car if I take my antidepressant. I don’t fear being abducted or assaulted if I swallow that little pink pill. For the pink pill silences my fears. 

The little pink pill silences me

I  can feel myself dying inside once the pink pill is coursing through my veins. The top of my head has a pressure that sends pulses to my body. Sometimes I can’t control the jerking of my arms and legs. My eyes twitch. My pupils become so large that my eyes appear black. The light in my eyes is gone. The window to my soul is closed. My head vibrates. All the things on my mind have left me. It’s blank. Just technical. 

I can’t hear myself think anymore

I am a machine. I am precise. I have no emotion. I go through the motions. I have no feelings. I see life in High Definition but I can’t feel anything. I’m numb. Is this what it feels like to be dead? Because I can not even feel my own heart.

Is this what normal people feel? Am I normal now? I don’t like this level of feelings because they aren’t feelings. They aren’t anything.  I can’t see the beautiful things in the midst of the dark. I can’t feel the pain of another human being. I don’t feel love. It’s gray. I never really cared for gray. There must be pain for happiness. Without the dark there can not be light. This is not my home. 

I die a little bit everyday

My emotions are no longer raw. The intensity is gone. My voice is silenced. My creativity is lost. I feel nothing as I write this. How will I ever finish writing my book now that I am shut down? This is the price I pay to silence my fears. I’m not the same person after taking the little pink pill. My chemical romance has me slowly dying inside.


Look What You’ve Done 

I gave you everything I had. I would have done anything for you. You took me for granted. I was alone most of the time. I had to beg for your time and attention. You broke me once. I was stupid to ever let you back in my life.

You made me feel like I was less than myself.  I wasn’t worth anything to you. I  have so much hate in my heart because of you. I let you see the real me. I regret every minute of it. You only wanted me when it was convenient for you.  I gave in everytime. I am completely insane for letting you do this to me.

I am done. I  can’t do it anymore.  I loved you even though you never loved me. I won’t let you control my emotions again. The bad outweighed the good in the relationship. I wouldn’t give up. I have now.

I am so much better off without you. I deserve to have the same love I give. I see it now. I’d rather live my life alone than go through the pain you caused me. I let you do these things. I won’t allow it to happen again. I know who I am.  I’ve come a long way. I am worth so much more than I ever knew. I don’t regret my decision. 
You won’t ever destroy me again.

I’m a motherfuckin survivor. 

  Don’t you ever forget it.

Silence 

Silence. That’s what I’m left with. I really don’t know what I did to deserve the gift that keeps on giving. This gift of constant worry and unrest is not what I want or deserve. I guess it’s easier than going over what I did wrong. Maybe it is for you. 

I’m a little hurt by your disappearance. Anything could have happened to you. My mind has given me plenty of scenarios to mill over. Truth is you just decided to stop talking to me. I’m not really sure why at this point. I suppose it doesn’t matter. 

The thing that always stuck in the back of my mind when it came to you was clearly spot on due to recent developments. 

“If it seems too good to be true then it probably is.”

No more fairy tales for me.

It’s a shame really. I enjoyed the fantasy. Reality calls. Disappointment suits me better.

Burn

fire

I invited you in
Shared all of my sins
I’ve been through hell
It’s not hard to tell

You see past the demons in me
For once in my life I feel free
I have no more qualms
You fill me with an inner calm

The way you make me feel
This can not possibly be real
Maybe it’s only a beautiful dream
Things aren’t always as they seem

I’m on fire from the inside out
Because of you I have no doubt
It is for you that I yearn
I am content to burn

Erasing You

Nothing lasts forever. Forever is a lie. All we have is what’s between hello and goodbye.

 

slip

Last night I lie awake for hours. All the memories played in my mind like a movie on a continuous loop. I was overcome with sadness and I finally broke down. I cried for the first time since he let me go.The tears fell like the rains of a tropical storm. My soul wept. I spoke with a friend for sometime to ease my pain. I still don’t understand why it turned out this way. I never will.

He found me in the dark and brought me out in the light. I fought so long to not get involved with him. I lost that fight. Happiness became me as I let him in. He saw me. The real me. My demons remained though silenced by his presence. Could it be that maybe I’d found someone worth giving my heart to? I thought so. Things were good. I got comfortable and let my guard down. I fell too fast too soon. I would regret it soon.

I ignored the red flags and warning signs that my relationship was doomed. He didn’t have the same feelings I did. It was easy to figure out. We didn’t talk as much. He had other things to do. I rarely saw him and it hurt. I stuck it out when I should have ended it. Things got better. We made plans. I was hopeful.

When you are with someone you never think that it will be the last time you see them. I played that night over and over in my mind. We talked a lot that next day. Still things were good. The next day after a disagreement I was met with silence for days. I could never get an answer to my question about what was going on with us. Finally after a week he said he didn’t have time for me anymore. That’s all I got. I was angry.

I deleted every picture I had of him. I deleted his number and unfriended him on social media. I was pissed off because I deserved a real answer. I won’t ever get it. I’m good at reading between the lines though. I meant nothing to him. He wasn’t happy. I can accept these things. I just think it should have went down much different.

If I had it to do over again I would have said no. I wouldn’t have made an eleven-hundred mile trip in two days to see him. I wouldn’t have let him in. I wouldn’t have wasted 3 months on someone who didn’t want to be with me. I would have saved myself the heartache of wondering why my best wasn’t good enough. I should have left him alone.

I’m moving on with my life. I’m having to break the habit of thinking about you. I hope that each day a little bit of you leaves my mind. I don’t want to remember you. It’s much easier that way. Erasing you from me will set me free.

 

Somewhere In My Dreams

Sleep eludes me when my thoughts are many. I may never sleep at this rate. I’m so tired I can’t explain it. I’m tired to the core. My soul is exhausted from this past year. These past few months have really worked me over. Then everything changed. 

I decided to take a chance on something. I have poured every bit of myself into this relationship. When I met him I knew it was right. I made the right decision and left my past mistakes behind. I was happy. I still am happy. But with me something usually goes wrong.

It was so easy to become wrapped up in him. I think about him constantly. He’s away so much and it’s hard. When he’s around I’m happy. I miss him when he’s gone. The problem is I have one speed. I don’t know slow. Especially if I am happy. I try to take it slow but with every day being uncertain I can’t afford to play it safe. That is problematic.

I got feelings and I knew I shouldn’t. I can’t really not feel. I really need a kill switch for my feelings. It would be helpful at times. Unfortunately now would be a good time. I’ve gotten myself so worked up that I can’t shut it off. Why must I worry about the things I can not control?

I believe that I have blown it. I’ve been over thinking everything. I know I drive him crazy because I need reassurance. I really am a mess. I’m hard to live with. I’m needy and it appears I’ve become clingy. I need to shut up half the time. Why am I blowing it? Because I want this to work .

I dreamed of one day having something that I never had. I look at him and it’s too good to be true. I’m so flawed and I have a laundry list of problems. It doesn’t change the fact that somewhere in my dreams I found him. He’s everything I ever wanted and need. I’ve never said that before and it is scary as hell. This whole thing is scary. I’ve put myself out there and I am taking the risk. I don’t know where I stand or how he feels. I’m terrified. When dreams become reality you forget how to breathe.

Unwritten Letters: Dearest Stepson

Dearest Stepson,
    I know that I have been silent. I cannot find the words. I suppose that I am in shock. My heart is breaking for you and broken for your girlfriend and her family. I cannot possibly fathom what you are going through. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be strung out on heroin. I cannot imagine things in my life so terrible, that turning to drugs seemed like a welcome escape. I cannot imagine the horror at learning ‘those friends’ in your inner circle went and got your girlfriend hooked on heroin. I cannot comprehend the need for ‘sustaining’ the heroin in both of your systems so as to avoid the sickness. I cannot imagine the guilt you must be feeling from providing her what would turn out to be her fatal dose. I cannot wrap my mind around the depth of you grief. Finding, upon waking, the girl you that you had fallen in love with, cold and lifeless in her bed beside you. The horror at not being able to rouse her, and upon further discovery, finding her really and truly dead, and all that encompasses. DEAD from the drugs you provided. I cannot
Imagine having to run upstairs and tell her mother that she was dead.

I want to scream,”We told you, begged you to stop, and now …” Well this is what happens in the life of a junkie. This is the heroin lifestyle. If you play with fire, you are going to get burned. I just wish you weren’t smack dab in the middle of the fire. I am heartbroken that you are on this path. I pray that you are not charged with her death, but at the same time, is this what it will take to save you? To get you clean? Or will this be the catalyst that makes you take your own life? Will you take the life of the boys that began her addiction? Will your life end before it should, by your own hand or by the hands of the boys who swore that they were going to kill you to avenge her death? I am afraid that your heroin induced haze and thoughts of revenge is going to cause yet another tragedy. Let it stop here. Let it end now.

I am sorry that her father punched you at the funeral, in the midst of your incomprehensible grief. I would love to wrap my arms around you and hug you so tight, and tell you it is all going to be okay. But alas, I cannot. Because it is not all just going to magically be ‘okay’ ever again. Heroin has led you on this journey, down this path, and you made that choice. You are a legal adult and a grown man. Hugs won’t dix this. Now unfortunately, you must face the consequences of your actions, whatever they may be. Jail time, death, grief, sorrow, guilt, anger, depression, denial, and whatever other feelings are involved in the knowledge that you directly contributed to the heroin overdose and death of your girlfriend.

I assume that you knew that the heroin was laced with propofol? You stated that you should have stayed awake to make sure she woke up. What the actual fuck? You are smarter than this son! You were going to be a veterinarian or a pharmacist! I just want
To smack some sense into you. But  I wouldn’t because I am afraid that it wouldn’t do any good. I am afraid this drug has it’s claws into you so deep that if this senseless tragedy doesn’t smack you into rehab, that nothing ever will. Nothing I can say will make any difference.

I just want to yell and scream why my sweet boy? And the answer is already known. You became hooked on heroin when you stopped dealing. When your maternal side of the family pulled some strings to keep you out of jail before, you were never held accountable for your actions. You got off with a felony and no jail time. For
Dealing. And you never had to pay the piper. You decided dealing drugs on our streets was faster, quicker, lazier way of making lots of money. And in the aftermath of that glorious disaster, you turned to heroin. And it became your best friend. A cold, callous, non forgiving friend who loves you and leaves you, and  eventually took that which you loved most in all the world, your girlfriend. Heroin always gets hers. You always pay the piper. I hope you choose rehab and sobriety. I hope you choose life. I hope you learn from this experience that eventually we are all held accountable. My heart is breaking for you and there is nothing I can do. I did not wish this for you. I want you to know that I love you. In spite of everything that has happened , I still love you. I always have and I always will.

Love ,
     Your Stepmother
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Unread Letters

Dear ______,

I can’t ever say what I’m thinking without butchering it. It always sounds better in my head. Somehow the words get lost in translation and I am misunderstood. My written words capture my heart perfectly. This heart is tired from constantly giving and rarely getting anything back. It’s just exhausting to care so deeply for others. It’s my curse.

I don’t know that I will ever give you this letter. Maybe I shouldn’t pour my soul out onto this page for you to see. Will you even see me? Do you have any idea who I really am? I’m not certain that I know myself anymore. I’ve clawed my way back from the bottom more than once. I may have put myself there a time or two. I’ve let my own mind destroy me. Sickness stole my joy. Depression left me crippled. I came back. I’m not who I want to be. I’m spread too thin. I’m a terrible mother and a horrible friend. I want to be better. Truth is that I can’t do all the things I need to at once.

I don’t know how much of my dysfunction you can handle. My sadness is overwhelming at times. I’m moody and angry for no good reason. I’m afraid of everything and of nothing all at once. I’m a damn mess. You should run away. I’m no good for you or anyone else. The kindness I have for others completely hides the hate I harbor for myself. It’s hell being me. I’m not easy to love nor am I easy to deal with. I’m so complex. It’s ridiculous. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m broken.

I’m not who you think I am. The ugly will start to bleed through eventually. I don’t want you to care about me. God forbid you fall in love with me. I will destroy you. I will shut down. I don’t know when I will come back to you. I am damaged beyond repair. It pains me to admit the worst of myself. I can’t lie to you. I won’t. You need to know there is a darkness that won’t leave me. I don’t know if it ever will. This is me. There is beauty in the darkness. I am living proof.

-B