Between Beauty and Darkness
What’s in your head between the beauty and the darkness? Which side do you dwell? I teeter between them. I can see both sides ever so clearly. Every single day I’m right there in the middle helping people go from life to death. There is beauty on both sides. Some can’t see it. My perspective is different since I can see the pain and suffering on the side of the living. When one transitions to the side of death their pain and suffering have ended. Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case since tragedy sometimes steals a beautiful young life. There is no preparation for this type of loss. It’s unfair and leads to much sorrow and sometimes anger. I’m not conditioned for this type of loss. Most people are not.
I carry them with me forever. A piece of them lives on with me.
I’ve come to know so many people. They come from every walk of life. Some are good people. Some where not. It doesn’t matter to me. What matters to me is that someone cares about them. Nobody is perfect. I don’t think anyone should die alone. Make no mistake people will die on their own terms. If they don’t want you there then they will wait until you leave. Don’t feel guilty. They gave you the ultimate gift of love. They knew you so well and how you would feel about watching them take their last breath. They knew that you would never forget that moment and would forever hold on to that pain. They loved you enough to shield you of that pain. Sometimes you aren’t in the right place in life to let go. Don’t ever feel bad that you weren’t there when your person left this world. They know how much you loved them.
Sending Someone Home is Hard
I’ve seen some leave. I’ve held their hands. I’ve cried and told them to let go. I tell them to go to the place that they were happiest in their life. It’s their heaven. I finally accepted the fact that I can’t save everyone. I don’t know if I ever have. I can help people die. I can make them comfortable. I can give them love. Everyone deserves love. It doesn’t matter what wrong they’ve done. It’s not for me to judge. I can’t tell you how many times my voice was the last one they heard. It’s devastating at times but I tell myself it’s for the greater good.
I will love you till the end
When they go I try my best to send them off looking their best. They deserve to look good. Everything I do for them is out of love. When it’s time for them to leave I walk along. I help get them into the van. I don’t leave their side until that vehicle drives away. This is the last act of love and respect I can show them. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth it. I will never forget them. Any of them. They all had a lesson to teach me. It was never the same thing. Some of them were skills while others were personal growth lessons. I loved them all. I’m grateful for them. They accepted me for who I am. They saw me. They really saw the person I am. This has been a painful decision to make. I will miss my work. It’s become my life. Change is hard. Growth is painful. I will be back soon but this time I will be a nurse.
It’s never goodbye.
I will see you there
I love you all and I know every one of you watch out for me. Someday when I’m old I know they will come back for me. Until we meet again.