Time is a thief. It will sneak up behind you when you’re not looking and throw you nearly sixteen years into the future before you know it. There’s never enough time to fit in the things you want to do with your kids. You always let work or some other unimportant bullshit win. There’s always tomorrow you say until tomorrow doesn’t come.
Death doesn’t wait for anyone. It doesn’t care that you prioritized everything else over time with your child. Death will swoop in and take the purest and gentliest of souls in their slumber without a second thought and leave you breathless on the floor. That scream. I let out the scream you never want to hear. My soul cried out for my baby boy. The kind of sound that would make your blood run cold. I died inside at 1:43pm cst on August 20th, 2023.
How could this beautiful boy who I raised be gone? Why? He never got his learner’s permit. He won’t turn 16 next month. Instead of buying him a car and planning a party I’m planning a funeral and picking out a casket. I hate everything. I’m so angry and broken. He won’t go to the prom or graduate with his friends. We won’t get to travel once he graduates. We planned on packing up so I could do travel nursing and see the country. He deserved so much better.
I couldn’t be alone with my son at the hospital and I was devastated. I understand why but it was still soul crushing. Nobody should have to see their baby that way. God love my sister for the trauma she endured for him. I will never be able to repay that debt. I do know one thing. Nobody can ever hurt me again. The threshold has been breached.
Jude was one of a kind. He was kind, funny and quirky. He’d give you the shirt off of his back. He was smart too. He put up with a lot of hatefulness and ridiculous things from some kids. He wouldn’t stand up to them. I wish he would have. Everyone can’t be a size 5 and frankly it doesn’t matter. I taught him better than to insult people for their looks and such. He was a turn the other cheek kind of kid.
Where ever you are Jude I love you so much and I miss you like crazy. I keep waiting for you to walk through the door but I know you’re never coming home. I’m so sorry that I didn’t spend more time with you. I’m so sorry that I couldn’t have given you more. I worked too much and still fell short. I am so sorry that I wasn’t a better mother to you. You deserved the world. I did the best I could. I love you so much it hurts. I will never be the same.
Yes, I Have Gone Mad. 
I cannot fathom, Bonnie. I’m so very sorry. I’m here for you if you need any little thing. ❤️
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I remember Jude at Peggy’s house. His smile would light up the room and warm your heart. Even at a young age you could tell he had a kind gentle soul. My heart breaks for you Bonnie. You all are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Dear Bonnie,
This poem sums it up for me when I lost my son, love you 💕🙏🫂
“Do not judge the Grieving Mother.
She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for
eternity.”
– Author Unknown
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I think your son , will be so proud of his mom. You can see that smile in the picture . Praying for you and your family during this time .
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Someone told me that a good mother always worries that she isn’t good enough, only the bad ones seem confident in their good mom status. My heart breaks for you. You are such a sweet and loving soul, and I am sending all the love and light I can your way. It will never be okay, and you will never be the same. And that is okay. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel or when to feel. Just know that there’s a bunch of us out here thinking of you and your family and wishing you peace.
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I feel for you Bonnie, no matter the age of a child when he/she has passed a mother never gets over the emptiness. I pray for you in time God will give you peace and comfort and you can smile at the memories. This was a beautiful tribute to your son. May God comfort you and your family.
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Bonnie ,
I didn’t know how to get in touch with you. I just now am reading about your boy. I’m so sorry you are having to go threw this. It is something I never wish upon any mother. I wish I could tell you that the pain gets better or it some how just magically disappears. But we both know nothing will ever be the same. I remember everybody words when ever I lost my girls. Just know I’m here if you ever need anything. I used to have your number but my toddler broke my phone. I love you Bonnie and I’m thinking about you during this difficult time.
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