I can’t let you go. I see you everywhere I go. You are everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My house is a ghost. I can’t breathe when I’m there. Your room is still the same. I am not. I’ve cracked and will never be mended. I watched them set your headstone. It was surreal. Everything is surreal now that you’re gone. The world kept on spinning as I stood still. I sleep with the light on now. I’m terrified of slipping further into my darkness. I was in shock for a while. I went through the motions for a long time just hoping to feel better. I don’t. I find myself redirecting thoughts of you like a suicidal ideation. I have to or the anguish over comes me. I will never be still. I keep bouncing hoping I will stick to something, anything to start over. Your dog still looks for you through the doorway anytime I speak your name. Hell I look for you in every crowd I see. I don’t think I will ever stop searching every face for that beautiful smile. I miss your laugh. I grieve everything that you would have been. I am angry. I want to punch the responsible party right in the nose. Beat the brakes off of him. It won’t bring you back. I want him to go to prison for murder. It won’t bring you back. I want to lie in bed all day and rot. It won’t bring you back. I’m left here to navigate a world without you. To be a mother without her child. To try and be a mother to an adult child who needs me to get my shit together. This is hell. Population one.
Yes, I Have Gone Mad. 