I have to admit my anxiety is at an all time high. I know it may not appear this way since I’ve got jokes. Humor and jokes have to get me through this month. It’s been a little over five months since I played the “cancer games” It’s time to start all over again. I am scared but I have to face it once again. I made up my mind that I would call today and schedule my mammogram and my cervical check. I chickened out. I have to just suck it up and get this party started. This sucks.
I’m not even 40!
Having a mammogram sucks. It’s uncomfortable and painful at times. A complete stranger has to place these bad boys in some crazy positions. When you are large breasted then it’s harder to get these things to stay. My flipping neck and back were killing me by the time i was done with the contortion act. Maybe this time my Bi-rads score will be a 1 instead of 3. Then I could breathe easy and go back to my regularly scheduled program. Bet I get another Bi-rads 3. This will piss me off because a 3 is pretty much a big fat I don’t know. I will cut the stupid thing out myself this time if it’s a 3. A Bi-rads 4 will mean I’m really screwed without guessing.
I think I’m more pissed off that I must have the whole pap smear ordeal again. I’ve never had an abnormal pap until last year. I was less than thrilled when I had to have a biopsy the day after getting my crap mammogram results. I’m happy to say that the cervical biopsy was normal. It would be awesome if my pap and mammogram were clean. I’m not going to hold my breath. I don’t think my tata problem just disappeared. I’m not that lucky. Let me sleep on it and decide if I’m ready to schedule these events.
I wrote a post the other day chronicling my misfortune. My iPhone ate it and WordPress let it happen. I’m glad that happened. I can say today that I don’t give a damn what happened last week. I could care less about the people that are no longer in my life. I don’t care because I dodged a bullet. Actually I was tap dancing on a land mine.
It cracks me up when people do you wrong and they want to be shitty towards you. Listen, I don’t give a damn about you or putting you in your place. You mean that little to me. When I no longer served a purpose to you then I saw you. The real you. I don’t care for that one much. I didn’t deserve what you did nor your nasty attitude. I’m glad everything played out the way it did.
I’m happy as hell I’m in the clear. I went from upset to idgaf in the course of a week. Damn. That did escalate quickly. I’m ready to forget that little bump in the road. I will enjoy killing them off in one of my short stories.
Today started out like most everyday. It was full of promise. I had plans this evening. Yesterday I enjoyed a beautiful afternoon with my “friend” then a fun night with my boys and him. I was excited about our movie and dinner at home tonight. I cooked a nice dinner and made dessert.
The hours passed and he never showed up. I finally sent a text and tried to call. Nothing. I knew that he wasn’t coming. My little guy got upset because he wanted to watch the movie. I got his mind off of it. I let my friend know that my little guy cried. I did get a reply and that was all.
I said whatever I could think if even though it fell on deaf ears. So I guess this means it’s over. Our friendship and whatever else could have been is done. It hurts. I’ve never laughed so easily with someone or felt that comfortable with somebody. I guess I’m stupid and I suck at this. I hate crying myself to sleep but that’s where I’m headed. I just don’t understand. If I could only know what I did wrong. I’m so sorry. Why did I deserve to be hurt?
Sunday nights are my loneliest nights of the week. It’s nobody’s fault but my own. This whole weekend was great. I enjoyed my time with my “friend”. I’ve accepted my spot in the friend zone for now. I know it’s foolish for me to think I’m going to get out of it. I can’t walk away. I find my mind wanders every Sunday. Tonight is no exception.
This weekend was full of laughs and shenanigans. He gets me out of the house. I need that more than anything. Friday night we did a little dig racing. I drove and won. We laughed at the guy because he was so pissed off that he lost to a chick. Then we went for dinner. This ended up as a funny photo shoot. I laughed so hard that night I couldn’t breathe. My face and stomach hurt because everything was so stinking funny. Laughing with him is the best.
The next day felt a little different. We mostly drove around and talked. The conversation went from on extreme to the next. I felt I said what I needed to say. It was an enjoyable day. At one point he got out of the car and picked a buttercup for me. I’m sappy so of course this was huge to me. We ran around all day and by 9pm I was exhausted. I fell asleep on the couch.
The next morning we were off again. This time the adventure included his kids. It was a really good day. I enjoyed the time we spent together and the weekend was great. It was a struggle when I headed home Sunday evening. It was silent at my house. I has lonely as soon as a walked through the door. I started writing but quit to sulk. I stayed up till around 3am with my thoughts. I’m still just as confused as I was when I started this. Suck it up buttercup. You aren’t done yet.
Today was a wonderful day. My plans fell through due to a safety issue with my car. I was really bummed out. I spent the day with my “friend”.This is where the lines blur and things are more of a grey area. I will tell you I’ve never had a friendship like this one. I stay confused most of the time. It’s like buying something at the store and once you open it you find the wrong item inside. I find the situation frustrating and confusing.
For the past month I’ve been in a friendship that I signed up for but didn’t read the disclaimer. At the time I was ok with the situation. It gets harder for me everyday to exist in a this constant state of turmoil. I’m afraid to have feelings and emotions. I know he’s not ready for a relationship. The whacked part is that this resembles a relationship. I guess that’s just me being confused. I get reminded often that I am only a friend. A good kick in the teeth can be healthy.
How do I not get feelings when I spend a great amount of time with him? I know that everyday it gets a little harder to be a friend. I broke down this weekend and had a long cry. I tried to end things because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wasn’t successful. I was reminded that I agreed that things were ok like this for now. I don’t know how much longer I will be ok with it this way. I was happy today. It was a good day full of fun. The f word lingered in my mind the whole time. Since when did friend become a four letter word?
It’s almost sordid now by definition.
I’m home alone now. There is an emptiness inside me. All is still. My heart beats slowly as I breathe with quietness. Will I still be a friend and watch him move on to someone else? If I am still long enough will his feelings change? I don’t have a clue what will happen. I just know I don’t want to loose what we have. We get each other. That’s a big deal.
I’d like to tell you this was a happy post. I wish I could paint a picture that would leave you smiling. I can’t give you uplifting today. I am too pissed for that. I can do the ugly truth. I do that better than anyone. What a difference a day makes. Twenty-four hours can screw you over with a quickness. Believe me when I say I’m a screw up. I’m tired of letting people in and being stupid about it. Why must I ignore the writing on the wall? I think I’ve suffered enough for one life time. When will I learn?
I started writing this last night but I couldn’t finish it. I was too sad to even try. This is what I know. My timing sucks. I have a real connection with someone but the timing is crap. I have no choice but to hold back or retreat. This makes me less than happy. Do I understand his reasons? Yes. Does it make it easier? Nope. I’m pretty much at a loss for words at this point.
I’m sometimes guilty of being happy and going all in without thinking about things. I jumped the gun and now I have to go back and wait. I’m not even sure if I completely understand what it is that I am doing. All I know is I’ve messed up. This sucks. Now it’s time to suck it up and move along.
I have zero clues as to what I’m suppose to be doing. I’m waiting for something and I’m confused as hell. I give zero £^<¥$ today. Why must I wait and wonder?